If your birthday is this week:  Congrats!  You have an excuse to get totally wasted at Orientation!

Aries:  Your new roommate is a drug addict, but on the up side, you’ll get to know the many pawn shops in your college town.

Taurus:  You will realize that your major is a complete waste of time, which is why it’s okay to be drunk most of this year.

Gemini:  You will take just enough economic classes this year to realize how badly in debt you really are.

Lemini:  Your guidance counselor will not totally rule out suicide for you.

Cancer:  The stars say, don’t worry too much about impressing your new professors, you’re going to drop out next year anyway.

Leo:  You will meet your future ex-wife this week.

Virgo:  You will recognize your new R.A. as the guy you also buy pot from.

Libra:  You will uncover a secret wall in your room that’s stuffed entirely with Ramen Noodle packages.

Scorpio:  Your new professor will give you something no other professor before has given you; chlamydia.

Sagittarius:  Don’t buy any text books this year, the library has them all and you don’t study anyway.

Capricorn:  This week, stock up on deodorant because your classes are early and not showering gives you another 20 minutes of sleep.

Aquarius:  The stars say, get into your dorm room bathroom early on the first day and you can enjoy a pee-free floor for the only time all year!

Pisces:  Congrats!  Your request for a single on campus is granted because no one likes you!