If your birthday is this week:  Look up from your phone today, they’re throwing you a birthday party and forgot to IM you about it.

Aries:  Your trip to Ferguson includes visits to some nice restaurants that would be better except for the overwhelming taste of tear gas in everything.

Taurus:  Your doctor will not approve your exercise regime of watching cat videos and eating potato chips.

Gemini:  The stars say, stop Tivoing everything, it’s mostly crap anyways.

Lemini:  You’ll take a shit in a very unusual place for you: a toilet.

Cancer:  You’ll be flagged for pirating really shitty movies off the Internet.  A judge will order you to take a film course.

Leo:  Your car won’t start because it’s full of racoons.

Virgo:  This week, a group of confused Boy Scouts will help you across the street at knife point.

Libra:  You’ll be cursed by a mummy and all your Hot Pockets will be forever luke warm.

Scorpio:  This week, you’ll discover that a squeegee is an excellent tool for removing excess sex lube.

Sagittarius:  Your neighbors will throw you a going away party, then cancel it when you ask them why.

Capricorn:  The ghost of Don Pardo will announce you and your friends loudly every time you walk into a bar.

Aquarius:  Your trip to Amish country ends as it always does:  You fleeing in a stolen horse and buggy while the countryside burns.

Pisces:  After years of hard work, you finally achieve your life’s goal of telling everyone on the Internet to go fuck themselves.