The Summer of Suck 2014 is coming to a close, but don’t worry.  There are still plenty of awful movies to eat up your summer vacation while you wonder why you didn’t just wait for a movie to come out on your iPad.  Oh, sure, there are bright spots, but for every Guardians of the Galaxy, there’s a whole lot of stuff you gotta wonder why people bothered.  I admit it.  I judge a book by it’s cover and a movie by it’s movie poster and tagline.  Begin the whys!

If I Stay:  Hit Girl not hitting people?  Pass.

Are You Here:  Zach Galifinakaouglkhts?  Pass.

The Identical:  Another movie about old music and Seth Green’s in it?  I’d rather watch Robot Chicken and Family Guy.

No Good Deed:  Idris Elba is a pretty awesome actor if you’ve ever seen The Wire or Luther.  Him playing a psycho?  Just seems kinda beneath his talents.  When’s the last guy-is-crazy-and-gets-out-of-prison-to-go-on-a-rampage-movie that has ever been good in recent memory?  Nah.

Maze Runner:  How many more Twlight/Hunger Games movies are they going to make?  Lemme guess, a group of young people have to overcome impossible odds against authority figures and find love?  I think this was based on a series of new books.  Young people, please stop reading immediately.

The Disappearance of Elanor Rigby: Them:  Um, I don’t understand this title.  So fuck it.  No.

Annabelle:  There’s not even a plot listed in this movie and I already don’t want to see it.  It’s a horror movie with a doll on the movie poster.  What is this?  A ventriloquist dummy coming to life?

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day:  This title lets me know that it’s for kids and I’m glad I don’t have any.  This way, I won’t be dragged to see this.  I don’t know.  I saw the trailer and it just makes me sad that Steve Carrel isn’t in a funnier movie.

Fury:  Brad Pitt in a World War 2 movie.  Gee, you never see those.  Wonder how it ends.

Okay, okay.  I’ve had enough.  Time to wash my eyes with reruns of the Venture Brothers.