If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday wish comes true, but the rain of supermodels kills many, many people.

Aries:  Hitching a ride with Tracey Morgan’s crew turns out not to be as cool as you thought.

Taurus:  You will confirm that the Illuminati do watch you, but mostly just to test their monitoring equipment.

Gemini:  You RC car will get a parking ticket.

Lemini:  You will be dry humped at a bus stop.

Cancer:  The stars say, take care how you spend your money this week, because the guy that’s going to mug you has a lot of kids to feed.

Leo:  You will find a creepy Lego set that looks exactly like your apartment.

Virgo:  A local sex offender with sexually molest your sprinkler.

Libra:  The girl scouts will send over two goons to collect on those thin mints you ordered.

Scorpio:  Someone you had sex with during the last two days will break up with, but you’re not sure which of the 20 people it might be.

Sagittarius:  You’ll somehow get bitten by a jellyfish while inside a museum restroom.

Capricorn:  This week, the love of your life will disappear from your life if you’re not careful, better renew that Internet porn subscription today.

Aquarius:  You shouldn’t make cupcakes anymore unless you intend them to be flavored like ass.

Pisces:  Dance the night away and don’t worry, that cocaine will wear off eventually.