If your birthday is this week:  For your birthday, your girlfriend forgives for forgetting Valentine’s Day.

Aries:  You will punch a mollusk because he was being a little bitch.

Taurus:  You will attain enlightenment by huffing paint, but no one except the man at the paint aisle at Home Depot believes you.

Gemini:  The stars say, a watch pot never boils, but you’re going to burn down your fucking place if you forget the soup again.

Lemini:  This week, you will pass your prime.

Cancer:  You’re lucky numbers are 1 and 2.  Good luck playing the lottery with that.

Leo:  You will get up very early to dig out your car and realize after almost finishing you dug out your neighbor’s car by mistake.

Virgo:  Ellen Page will stop you on the street to make sure you know she’s gay.

Libra:  You will discover that fraternities prefer to recruit pledges that wear pants and underwear.

Scorpio:  Your ten gallon K-Y dispenser will run empty.  Fortunately, you’ll have the back up five gallon one.

Sagittarius:  The barista at Starbucks will tell you to change that shirt.

Capricorn:  You will scientifically prove that shit’s fucked up.

Aquarius:  Your Olympic dreams will be shattered after your alarm goes off.

Pisces:  Take heed.  Actually take two heeds, they’re small.