If your birthday is this week:  Yeah-yeah-yeah, happy birthday.  Now STFU the game is on.

Aries:  A close friend will mathematically prove that you’re being an asshole.

Taurus:  You will discover that your dwarf bookie outsources collections to much larger and stronger people.

Gemini:  Someone else will make skid marks in your underwear.

Lemini:  Your dog will up n’ die.

Cancer:  The stars say, you’ll get really, really high this week.

Leo:  You will find a plate of smores in the place you least expect.

Virgo:  This week, be ready for that alien abduction.  It’s the only way you’re going to be able to return those migrant workers to their own country.

Libra:  You will win the first game of Vodka Pong, but only because your opponent gets alcohol poisoning.

Scorpio:  You will find out that the cops do not have to give you a copy of a sex tape, even if it is recorded on a red light cam and you pay the ticket.

Sagittarius:  Despite your best explanations, your spouse won’t let you take a “Marriage Snow Day” this week.

Capricorn:  Your pet grooming business hits a wall when one of your customers drops off a gorilla.

Aquarius:  The homeless guy you give a dollar to, will shake his head and hand it back.

Pisces:  You will stay home for your favorite bowl game: the Cupcake Bowl.  Followed closely by the Diabetes Bowl.