If your birthday is this week:  You’ll hear “Surprise!” when you walk into your place this week, but instead of your friends it will be two guys in ski masks holding your flat screen TV.

Aries:  You’ll finally start your exercise regime since there is literally nothing but shit on TV.

Taurus:  The stars say, you really can’t get away from the cops, that’s just the meth talking.

Gemini:  The good news is that your new girlfriend loves porno, the bad news is it’s because she likes to see what her old coworkers have been up to these days.

Lemini:  A group of gnomes will steal your napkin and try to sell it on ebay because the stain you make on it looks vaguely like a gnome Jesus.

Cancer:  You’ll find a great couch on the side of the road and the bedbugs that live in it will really like your place.

Leo:  A gorilla will throw poop at you and then ask for it back in sign language.

Virgo:  You will be the first person to eat a Lego omelette.

Libra:  The ghost of John Belushi will drink all your liquor and spew ghost vomit in your living room.

Scorpio:  The sex doll you’ve been banging suddenly comes to life and insists you just watch TV for a while.

Sagittarius:  You will buy far too many snacks while food shopping and not enough actual food.

Capricorn:  You will accidentally eat a decorative soap at a party.

Aquarius:  Your bank will politely request that you take your two’s of dollars elsewhere.

Pisces:  You will wear out the term “Danger Zone” because you’re so psyched to see the Season 5 Archer premiere this week.