If your birthday is this week:  Once again, the only people that show up to your birthday party are your dead relatives.  Plus that one guy from work who won’t be missed who gets his brain eaten.

Aries:  You will discover that your vampire roommate is way too picky about the black out curtains your bought and insists you go back and buy the expensive ones.

Taurus:  You are a terrible werewolf, as all you do is transform and shit on the carpet.

Gemini:  You did not take the Gypsy’s warning literally enough.  There are actual skeletons in your closet.

Lemini:  Those puppets you bought from the one-eyed man come to life and sexually harass you.

Cancer:  You will run out of toilet paper during the zombie apocalypse.

Leo:  The stars say, the Mummy’s Curse involves a lot of you losing at Scrabble and never getting in the fast moving bank line.

Virgo:  A demon will begin stalking you, but he’ll go away if you buy the life insurance.

Libra:  A man with a hook hand will return from the dead to tell you that your business hasn’t installed enough handicap-friendly doorknobs.

Scorpio:  You sexy slut costume will win the costume contest again.

Sagittarius:  You will be haunted by the ghost of all those times you really had to take a shit.

Capricorn:  You will discover that your car isn’t an evil entity intent on running over people on its own, it’s just a piece of shit with bad brakes.

Aquarius:  You will have to be reminded that running to your neighbors naked and asking for candy isn’t technically a costume.

Pisces:  You will finally figure out that if you just lock your door, turn off the lights and refuse to answer, all that candy and diabetes will be yours!