If your birthday is this week:  You will get lots of things for your birthday, but most you will lose in the lawsuit, so enjoy them now!

Aries:  This week, a bear will wander into your back yard, knock on your door and demand that you finally mow your lawn.

Taurus:  You will smell burnt hotdogs all day for no reason.

Gemini:  Someone close to you will punch you in the genitals.  Be on guard.

Lemini:  You will discover that your cat is running a illegal catnip farm in your backyard to sell to his friends.  Well, technically it’s not illegal, but he thinks it is.  He’s just a cat.  He doesn’t understand law.

Cancer:  What?  Oh, right.  Yeah, you’ll probably just get up, go to work and do some bullshit.

Leo:  This week, prepare yourself for a surprise explosion in your pants.

Virgo:  Watch where you’re going or you’ll knock over Nicole Kidman again.

Libra:  You’ll be invited to a roast, but really, people are just anxious to call you an asshole to your face.

Scorpio:  Your porn collection will have to be moved to a larger warehouse this week.

Sagittarius:  You will be caught masturbating to sexy candies.

Capricorn:  You will drink a lot of beer, then some shit happens that you won’t remember and you’ll wake up in time to nurse a hangover in a Tijuana jail cell.

Aquarius:  The bad news was that you have skid marks on your underwear, the worse news you’ll discover this week is that you’re not the one making the marks.

Pisces:  Nothing but good shit all week, although you may strain your face from smiling.