If your birthday is this week:  You will realize that you’re another year old, but in metric, that’s only ten months.

Aries:  Don’t park your car close to the theater, it will be damaged by the stampede out of Turbo.

Taurus:  Pay up your health insurance, you’re about to appear in a Russian dash cam video.

Gemini:  The stars say, clean your pool so the stars can come over and swim.

Lemini:  This week, you will be nasally penetrated.

Cancer:  Siri will begin to referring to you as “fucking asshole”.

Leo:  Your M&M’s will sprout tiny hands, feet and faces.  They’ll scream when you eat them.

Virgo:  Check your voice mail, you have a message.

Libra:  After an hour of hanging in a precarious position at an overpass, you’ll realize that you misspelled your graffiti.

Scorpio:  You will appear twice on the new show “America’s Funniest Sex Tapes”.

Sagittarius:  That guy at Subway will get your order wrong again.

Capricorn:  You will eat at a Chinese restaurant that puts fortunes in all their food.

Aquarius:  Don’t go to the beach.  Your friends have bribed the lifeguards to ignore your pleas for help.

Pisces:  The barbecue gnomes hold a party in your backyard again.  Better call the exterminator.