If your birthday is this week:  You will drop the musical birthday card down a crack behind the sofa and listen to “Happy Birthday” for the next 87 hours.

Aries:  During your weightlifting at the gym, someone will sensually spot you.

Taurus:  Your underwear will give out at an inconvenient time this week.

Gemini:  You will discover a Phlegm flavored lollipop.

Lemini:  Your Craigslist ad backfires and your casual encounter becomes incredibly formal.

Cancer:  The NSA sends you an email telling you that your webcam has been on every time you’ve jacked it.

Leo:  You will listen to this song and bob your head along with the beat.

Virgo:  You finally go to use that pizza coupon and find out its expired.

Libra:  The stars say, your week could really use a good saxophone solo.

Scorpio:  You can stop going through TSA check points.  They won’t do more than grope you through the clothes.

Sagittarius:  Your World of Warcraft will shoot you a text message explaining that it has found a better player to represent.

Capricorn:  Your dyslexia will cause you to choke on some Alpha Bits cereal.

Aquarius:  This week, make sure your water your garden because the blood of the people you buried there won’t wash away until it rains.

Pisces:  Your psychic powers will only allow you to predict the endings of sitcoms.