If your birthday is this week:  Your mispronunciation of the word “Ferrari” gets you a ferret painted fire engine red this year.

Aries:  Beware of a co-worker.  He may beat you in the face with his keyboard for sending him another Harlem Shake video link.

Taurus:  Your test drive will end with a swim, but at least it isn’t your car.

Gemini:  Your porn stash will be uncovered by your girlfriend.  On the upside, your wife does not find out about either.

Lemini:  You will discover that you can’t make a bong out of a cat’s skull when it’s still alive.

Cancer:  The stars say, the Walking Dead is over for a while so stop bitching about it.

Leo:  Your roommate makes some hashbrowns out of actually hash and potatoes.  Don’t eat them unless you’re not doing anything for the next three days.

Virgo:  The UPS man will sing you Dick in a Box.  Don’t sign for that package.

Libra:  You will be visited by three ghosts this week.  Mostly, they’ll just want to watch Cable TV and eat your snacks, lazy ghosts.

Scorpio:  The stars say, save money on your fetish.  Buy vinyl corsets in bulk.

Sagittarius:  You will be convinced that you have time traveled back to the 70’s after passing out drunk and waking up to a rerun of M*A*S*H*.  Turns out, it’s actually the 80’s.

Capricorn:  You will punch a historical figure and become an extremely difficult trivia question.

Aquarius:  The mice in your apartment go on strike and demand better healthcare, by which they mean, cheese.

Pisces:  You will postpone your vacation to North Korea in favor of doing anything else.