If your birthday is this week:  You’ll wake up on campus naked with no memory of the night before.  Fortunately, the beard that’s Super Glued to your face is obscuring your identity in the videos that were posted online.

Aries:  You will find an Elf in your coffee.  He’ll demand more sugar.

Taurus:  Let the cops talk first during your arrest, you don’t want to confess to the stuff they haven’t found out about yet.

Gemini:  Neil Armstrong will come to you in a dream and insist he left his car keys on the moon by mistake.

Lemini:  You will become the first person ever to ski into a cactus.

Cancer:  This week, they’ll replace your regular coffee with Folgers Crystals.  You won’t notice.

Leo:  Lunch with your cousin will get awkward during the make out session.

Virgo:  You will get a parking ticket for standing near an expired parking meter.  Maybe it’s time to lose some weight.

Libra:  You will have a nightmare about fighting a werewolf and realize that you’ve been punching your dog in your sleep.

Scorpio:  Your sexual romp with the bowling alley attendant will leave you smelling like balls.

Sagittarius:  You will put your neighbor’s ladder away before leaving for your trip and strand him on the roof for the weekend.

Capricorn:  Your farts will finally get so bad, you’ll actually stop playing video games to go outside.

Aquarius:  The newspaper boy will throw a Kindle on your stoop instead.

Pisces:  The stars say, either stop watching The Walking Dead or stop complaining about it.