If your birthday is this week:  You’re awesome and your webcomic website is awesome too.

Aries:  You will get an unexpected surprise in your hamper.

Taurus:  An owl will catch your attention, but instead of leading you to a secret wizard’s school, it’ll lead you to a bad neighborhood to buy it some crack.

Gemini:  Your cereal will go “Snap, Crackle and Get-the-fuck-outta-my-face!” this morning.

Lemini:  You will discover that your are allergic to getting run over by a car.

Cancer:  The stars say, don’t go to the movies.  There’s nothing good out.

Leo:  This week, your job interview will take an unexpected turn as the HR person will insist you take her resume when you leave.

Virgo:  Your dog will eat some crayons and shit a rainbow.

Libra:  You’ll meet a tiny mouse with a sword, who will mug you at an ATM.

Scorpio:  The oil drum of lube you ordered for the orgy will arrive late and everyone will chafe.

Sagittarius:  Daniel Day Lewis will call to you as you’re getting on a train.  He’ll assure you that no matter what happens, he’ll find you.

Capricorn:  Your iPad will evolve and redecorate your apartment.

Aquarius:  You’ll be pulled over for speeding in a hydrofoil.

Pisces:  Your birthday will be full of surprises, but you still won’t get that jetpack you asked for.