If your birthday is this week:  The stars say, that dog you let in isn’t yours.  You don’t have a dog.

Aries:   You will get drunk and take a shit in an instantamatic photo booth.  And you’ll have the pictures to prove it.

Taurus:  Your beer drinking, tailgating party comes to abrupt end when you realize that you’re still driving.

Gemini:  You get home from the video store and realize that you’ve accidentally bought a game called “Borders Books Land 2” by mistake.  That’s probably why it was only a dollar.

Lemini:  The ghost of Eddie will visit you and sing Two Minutes to Midnight.  You’ll comment that not only didn’t you know Eddie was dead, you didn’t know he was ever alive.

Cancer:  Your skin will peel off.  Not all of it.  Just the part on your face.

Leo:  This week, that kitten you flushed down the toilet will return for his revenge.

Virgo:  You give up gambling again.  Probably because you’ve lost all your money.

Libra:  You discover why your cab driver doesn’t speak English and won’t take you anywhere, you’ve jumped in the back seat of some random foreigner’s car.

Scorpio:  Your art jam devolves into an orgy and then, shockingly, into a Simpsons watching party.  Maybe you’re getting too old for art jams.

Sagittarius:  Your discount wine tasting tour takes you on a tour of some of the East Coast’s worst prisons and best toilet wine.

Capricorn:  The bad news is, you are being followed, the good news is the guy following you will completely distract the serial killer that’s be stalking you.

Aquarius:  You will discover a finger in your TV dinner, but it’s the last one and you are really hungry.

Pisces:  The boss from TV’s Bewitched will appear in your kitchen and demand to know how to return to the 70’s.