If your birthday is this week:  Your happy birthday wishes are all automatic updates from friends you no longer speak to on Facebook.

Aries:   You will be insulted by an anonymous person on the Internet and you’ll take it like a bitch.

Taurus:  Your record album drops, but no one buys it.  You really should’ve released on something other than vinyl.

Gemini:  The talking tree in your yard demands that you get your dog to stop peeing on it or he’ll fall on top of your car.

Lemini:  There will be a knock at your door and a flaming bag of poop.  You cleverly avoid stepping on it and your house burns down.

Cancer:  Lindsay Lohan will stop by.  Unfortunately, it’s to borrow your car for a liquor store robbery.

Leo:  The new restaurant you try won’t be very good.  Mostly because it’s really a laundry mat.

Virgo:  This week, you’ll be visited by a vampire.  He won’t bite you, but he does order a lot of porn off your cable TV system.

Libra:  You will sue your friend after buying her an expensive wedding gift that she refuses to return after getting divorced two weeks later.  Good for you.

Scorpio:  You will spend the next few weeks recovering from your sexual encounter with the Hulk.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, “Run!  It’s a hit!

Capricorn:  You will sing the Chili’s baby back rib song in public, so no one objects when the cop tasers you.

Aquarius:  You will discover the squirrels are plotting against you, but fortunately their snipers can only drop acorns on you.

Pisces:  You weekend will be full of sushi and webcomics.  Only one will give you mild intestinal discomfort.