translated by Mr. Shit
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Annoyed in Cali,

Dear Señor Cactus,

My roommate is a newly devout atheist.  I’m more of an agnostic, but frankly, I’m just not into religion.  He’s so anti-religious, he’s constantly going out of his way to prove his superiority.  I spilled soda on the floor of the kitchen and said, “Jesus Christ” and he launched into a thirty minute lecture on how stupid I am.  How can I shut his ass up?



Martin, 20, Cal Tech

Dear Annoyed,

Cactus say, find the hottest and sluttiest girl at your college.  Convince her to take Martin back to your place and suck his dick.  Be waiting in the next room.  The moment he start saying, “Oh, God!  Oh, God!”  Burst into da room and both of ya start pointing at him and laughing.  Call him a dumbass and then walk out with da slut.  If he don’t do it, well, she’ll suck his dick and at least you won’t have to hear his shit for one night.

Foodie at U of Penn

Hey Señor Cactus,

Dorm food sucks and I am sick to death of eating Ramen noodles.  Can you recommend some quick, gourmet meals a college student could make?


Don C. at Penn

Dear Fattie,

Cactus say, you’re not fooling anyone calling yourself a “foodie”.  He and everyone else know you’re a fat fuck looking to get more food.  His advice, smoke more weed every day.  Then you’ll be so hungry, you won’t give a fuck if you eat the noodles right out of the bag without cookin’ dem!

Blasting off with a lie,

Great Señor Cactus!

I sent my roommate’s flip camera into space in a weather balloon.  The footage was awesome, but the camera was destroyed.  Can you give me a good lie to explain the destruction of his camera so I don’t have to buy him a new one?

Mack, 18, Florida State

Dear Soon-ta-be Pants-on-fire,

Cactus say, tell him ya just got a phone call sayin’ dat his mother was killed in a car crash.  When he start cryin’, pat him on da back and say, “There-there, now.  Dat was just a lie.  Oh and I broke your camera.”  He’ll probably be so relieved his mom isn’t dead, he won’t hear da second part.  Either way, make sure ya have some sneakers on when ya talk to him.

Ass play in Indianapolis,

O Señor Cactus!

My girlfriend is awesome and let’s me do almost everything to her.  But she exacts a price.  She insists on playing with my ass.  Two fingers were painful enough, but last night she went for three.  I think this girl wants to fist me.  What should I do?

Anonymous, Indy U

Dear Ass.

Cactus say, you gotta ask yourself, how hot is she?  If she like merely Amanda Bynes hot or less, you got to invest in a high quality butt plug to protect yourself.  But if she Amber Heard or hotter, ya might want to grease up before your next session.