If your birthday is this week:  A man in the supermarket will challenge you to a shopping cart race and then throw frozen peas at you after losing.

Aries:   You will discover that the presidential candidate staying in your guest room is not Mitt Romney, but a homeless guy with great teeth.

Taurus:  You early prep work for the zombie apocalypse turns out to be premature and you’re force to give up the Costco to the cops and its owners.

Gemini:  You will become sexually attracted to a particular brand of cracker.

Lemini:  Since you bought that box of crackers, your roommate won’t leave you alone.

Cancer:  Your pot dealer will ask you over just before the cops raid the place.  He’ll then reveal that he thought you’d make an awesome cellmate.

Leo:  This week, you’ll learn that you’ve been sleep laundering, which is why your clean socks never seem to run out.

Virgo:  The ghost of Ben Franklin will appear to you naked and ask if you’d like a sensual massage.

Libra:  You will learn that the “tooth fairy” you keep seeing is actually a crack head who has been stealing your dental implants.

Scorpio:  You will meet a pornstar and together, you’ll save a bundle on buying contraception in bulk.

Sagittarius:  Your Kickstarter will go so poorly, you’ll end up owing $53,000 to your fans.

Capricorn:  Those aren’t chocolate covered raisins you found in the bottom of the rabbit cage.

Aquarius:  A giant taco will confront you on the street, hurling cheese at you and shouting, “How do you like it?!”

Pisces:  The judge lets you off on a DUI charge when you play the video of the car accident with wacky music and sound effects.  Boing!