If your birthday is this week:   Your surprise party is awesome until your party guests discover that porn DVD in your DVD player.

Aries:  You will be disappointed at the movies either because you drop your popcorn or because you go to see Prometheus.

Taurus:  This week, your fax machine spits out the question, “So this email thing is more than a fad, huh?”

Gemini:  The cops return will return your volleyball.  Actually, it’s not yours, but they worked so hard on the case you’ll be nice enough just to go along with it.

Lemini:   You’ll be arrested for stealing a volleyball.  Not the first one, the other one.

Cancer:   Get those bites checked out.  The worm is boring closer to your brain and soon you won’t be able to hdhf p&3 xbvbmba kkl.

Leo:  Your newspaper will be stolen by Bill Murray.  As he runs away, he’ll shout, “No one will believe you!”

Virgo:  The stars say, you’ll steal a bunch of newspapers today and that you should make a sequel to Stripes.

Libra:  Your hipster friend’s party will suck, but in an ironic way.

Scorpio:  You will have sex with someone you barely know and then the cops show up.  Next time, wait until after the car accident is cleaned up to hook up.

Sagittarius:  Your gingerbread man will come to life and attempt to free your fig newtons.

Capricorn:  Your roommate’s stash is in his sock drawer.  Since you read that here, it’s not your fault if you smoke it.  Blame Your Fratoscope.

Aquarius:   Superman will stop you from falling off that cliff, but only because your girly scream sounds like his girlfriend’s.

Pisces:  You’ll wake up convinced it’s the Zombie Apocalypse, but it turns out it’s only a convention of Bath Salt salesmen.