If your birthday is this week:   An 80-foot tall ape will grab you and carry you to the top of a tall building.  It’ll be pretty cool until he sets you down to fling his own giant feces.  Escape before he’s finished.

Aries:  Miley Cyrus finally answers you fan letter.  She’ll say to hit Ctrl Alt Del at the same time to reboot your computer.

Taurus:  Your roommate will finally return from Spring Break.  He’ll be carrying a pirate chest of treasure, a bullet proof vest and a koala bear that smokes a hooka.  He’ll say his break was “okay”.

Gemini:  Your level of doucheiness will rise sharply this week, although thankfully not high enough to wear one of those Bluetooth ear phones.

Lemini:   The stars say, weather is going to be beautiful this week, so why don’t you stay inside so the rest of us can enjoy it you ugly bastard?

Cancer:   This week, your boss will ask for a word with you.  Remember, he can’t fire what he can’t find!

Leo:  Your attempt to fire your Cancer employee will fail until you read this horoscope.  He’s hiding in the ceiling of the supply room.

Virgo:  Don’t ignore the eye you discover in your head cheese this week.  It’s delicious.

Libra:  You will find Newt Gingrich sobbing quietly in the passenger seat of your car.

Scorpio:  Your grocer will ask you politely not to fondle object in the produce isle so sensually.

Sagittarius:  You will discover that the only thing worse than pooping your pants, is to see a turd roll out of the end of your pant leg in the middle of a crowded Staples.

Capricorn:   The stars say, your business cards are ready, but you can’t pick them up until Monday.  Sorry.

Aquarius:  Your sex life takes a turn for the better, when you realize that you can do it with your off hand too.

Pisces:  You will fall sleep on your keyboard making both your website posts late and leaving 148 pages of the letter “K” in one program.