Your Fratoscope: February 19, 2012on February 19, 2012 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: You will find an embittered genie that’s been trapped in a lamp that you found in the sewer. He’ll grant you all the wishes you want, but they must all be poop-related.
Aries: You will finally run out of Halloween candy this week. Maybe next year, don’t shop at Costco.
Taurus: You will meet a monk that has just finished a 20 year vow of silence. After a ten minute conversation with you, however, he starts another one.
Gemini: You will drop your favorite magazine in a public toilet and find out that it won’t flush no matter how long you wait for the pages to soften up.
Lemini: Iggy Pop will cut in line in front of you at the supermarket. You imagine things you would say to him.
Cancer: You comic book character, Tard Man, is rejected by Marvel Comics.
Leo: You will be the only person in the United States no sick of news coverage about Whitney Houston’s death.
Virgo: You will be the become the first person to shit their pants while riding the Chunnel Train.
Libra: This week, you’ll see the face of Jesus in your toast. He tastes delicious.
Scorpio: The stars say, if you want your sex toy catalog delivered regularly, stop having sex with every new mailman.
Sagittarius: Your visit to Chipotle will be uneventful, but the burrito’s good.
Capricorn: You will change your Facebook status to “None of you God damned business”.
Aquarius: You bring sexy back, but then sexy asks you to leave.
Pisces: You will discover that window washing fluid is not as tasty a salad dressing as you imagined.