If your birthday is this week:    You will find an embittered genie that’s been trapped in a lamp that you found in the sewer.  He’ll grant you all the wishes you want, but they must all be poop-related.

Aries:   You will finally run out of Halloween candy this week.  Maybe next year, don’t shop at Costco.

Taurus:   You will meet a monk that has just finished a 20 year vow of silence.  After a ten minute conversation with you, however, he starts another one.

Gemini:   You will drop your favorite magazine in a public toilet and find out that it won’t flush no matter how long you wait for the pages to soften up.

Lemini:   Iggy Pop will cut in line in front of you at the supermarket.  You imagine things you would say to him.

Cancer:    You comic book character, Tard Man, is rejected by Marvel Comics.

Leo:   You will be the only person in the United States no sick of news coverage about Whitney Houston’s death.

Virgo:   You will be the become the first person to shit their pants while riding the Chunnel Train.

Libra:    This week, you’ll see the face of Jesus in your toast.  He tastes delicious.

Scorpio:   The stars say, if you want your sex toy catalog delivered regularly, stop having sex with every new mailman.

Sagittarius:    Your visit to Chipotle will be uneventful, but the burrito’s good.

Capricorn:    You will change your Facebook status to “None of you God damned business”.

Aquarius:   You bring sexy back, but then sexy asks you to leave.

Pisces:   You will discover that window washing fluid is not as tasty a salad dressing as you imagined.