Your Rewritten News Team is back with all the news that’s fit to rewrite.

Real: Feds Broaden Piracy Case Against

Rewritten: Government Still Hates Internet, Determined to Fuck it up

Real: Despite Safety Concerns, Work on Deadly Flu to be Released

Rewritten: Remake of Stephen King’s “The Stand” Might not Require Actors

Real: Obama Steps Up Fundraising

Rewritten: Government Employee Spends Time on the Clock Begging for Money From Billionaires

Real: SF Bay Litter Would Fill 100K Trash Bags

Rewritten: Gay People Not as Neat as Once Thought

Real: Janet Jackson in Preliminary Talks to Join “The X-Factor”

Rewritten: Janet Jackson Thinking About Jumping Shark With Singing Contest Shows

Real: FBI Arrests DC Muslim After Another Phony “Terror Plot”

Rewritten: FBI Attempts to Justify Enormous Budget

Real: U.S. Officials Don’t Believe Sanctions Will Stop Iran’s Nuclear Program, says UK Guardian

Rewritten: U.S. Officials to Start World War 3 This Year