If your birthday is this week:   You bet on the Super Bowl will be a loser, mostly because no one usually bets on the half-time performer winning the game somehow.

Aries:   During your Super Bowl party, one of your guests will double dip, as if sticking his penis in the dip once wasn’t enough.

Taurus:   Your buddy’s plan to put a giant magnifying glass in front of the TV to make his screen look bigger during the Super Bowl actually works until the sun pokes through the curtains and sets his entertainment center on fire.

Gemini:   The stars say, you shouldn’t bet on the Giants.  Brady will crush you.

Lemini:     This week, you’ll misplace your crack pipe, but you have bigger problems, like how to remove the tiny scorpions from under your skin.

Cancer:    You will see a picture of yourself on the People of Walmart website.  Were those cheap tube socks really worth it?

Leo:   Thieves will steal your lawn furniture early this week, but return it late this week because it’s ugly as shit.

Virgo:   You’ll eat some flapjacks made by a motherfuckin’ wizard.

Libra:   You will get incredibly high this week and that’s pretty much your week.

Scorpio:   You will discover a movie of you and your ex while watching porn.  Afterwards, you won’t be able to tell if it was hot to relive watching your ex or yourself.

Sagittarius:    The stars say, you will realize that there is more to life than the Super Bowl.  Being taken hostage tends to clarify things.

Capricorn:   You will find a band aid at the bottom of some Ranch dressing dip at a Super Bowl party.  Fortunately, you’ll be able to identify the culprit since it’s still attached to a finger.

Aquarius:    Halfway through your confession, you will suddenly remember and say to the priest, “Jesus Christ, I’m missing the game!”

Pisces:    No one shows up to your Bob’s Burgers Rerun Party.  Oh, well, more chips for you.