It’s time for the Rewritten News.  News as fresh as today’s headlines and as edited as David Mamet play on network television.

Real: Dow Logs Close Highest Since of May of 2008

Rewritten: Rich People Nearly as Rich as They Were in 2008, Probably Richer

Real: Justice Dept, FBI Say Interest in Online Privacy an “Indicator” of Terrorism

Rewritten: Justice Dept, FBI Too Lazy to Chase Actual Terrorist, Want to Hang Out at Starbucks All Day

Real: Stevens Portrait Unveiled at Alaska Museum

Rewritten: Alaska Wastes $11,000 on Monument to Old Man Who Didn’t Understand Internet

Real: Knicks Come Up Short in Loss to Celtics

Rewritten: Sports Writer Takes Too Long to Say, “Knicks Lose to Celtics”

Real: Space Voyages Shouldn’t Become Politically Incorrect

Rewritten: Bill Maher Banned From Space Travel

Real: Sexually Transmitted Disease Increasing Amongst Post-50’s

Rewritten: Old People Doin’ It

Real: Hackers Listen as FBI Talks to Scotland Yard

Rewritten: Teenagers Able to Work Technology Better Than Older People