Your Fratoscope: January 29, 2012on January 29, 2012 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: You will discover that the iPad you bought in that truck stop is actually just a shiny clipboard.
Aries: While eating peanut butter you’ll bump into someone with deviled eggs. Turns out, it’s not two great tastes that taste great together.
Taurus: The stars say, change your oil.
Gemini: This week, Santa will deliver your gifts explaining that he just got out of rehab.
Lemini: Liam Neeson will stop you on the street and demand to know if you’ve seen “The Grey” yet. You’ll tell him yes, but that’s a lie.
Cancer: You will be mugged by a very sensual mugger. He’ll take your money, but you’ll feel relaxed and smell like lilacs.
Leo: You will discover why the discount massage parlor is so cheap, right in the middle of your happy ending you’ll hear someone from behind the mirror say, “Zoom out!”
Virgo: You will find true love in a pet store, but few people will understand your insatiable iguana love.
Libra: Your skiing trip will end tragically when the people you’re with vow to take you again.
Scorpio: You will have another birth control close call. Fortunately, the abortion doctor just forgot to turn on his “open” sign.
Sagittarius: Your suggestion of “Mascot Costumes Friday” is approved at work. Nice job. Now if only you could afford a Philly Phanatic costume.
Capricorn: You will be pulled over by a cop. He’ll show you this really funny video on his iPhone.
Aquarius: You will be the supermarket’s 1,000,000th customer and to show their appreciation, they’ll let you use the only shopping cart with four working wheels.
Pisces: You wife will discover her old Casio keyboard and you will rediscover that you have no musical talent.