It’s time for Rewritten Headlines with your Rewritten News anchor, Tony D!

Real: Barry Bonds Gets 30-Day Home Sentence at Worst

Rewritten: Government Finally Unable to Jail Black Athlete

Real: Wall Street Layoffs Continue, Morgan Stanley To Cut 1600 Jobs

Rewritten: 1600 People to Join Occupy Wall Street Soon

Real: SOPA Delayed, But Not For Long

Rewritten: Internet to Stay Unruined for Another Three Weeks

Real: Russians Seize Iran-Bound Radioactive Metal

Rewritten: Russian Airlines Still Better Than Traveling JetBlue

Real: Alcohol Still Drug of Choice by Teens in Abilene, Study Shows, Although Pot Use Up Nationally

Rewritten: Teenagers Still Exist

Real: Kobe Bryant’s Wife Files For Divorce

Rewritten: Kobe Apologies Finally Wear Off

Real: Britney Spears Engaged to Jason Trawick!

Rewritten: Britney Spears Working on Second Divorce