News is like meth. A little is bad, but too much is really bad. And like meth, Tony D has made it better with Rewritten Headlines!

Real: Authorities Foil NY Protest Bid to Shut Wall Street

Rewritten: Hipsters to Return to Coffee Shops More Annoyed Than Ever

Real: Panetta: Strike on Iran Could Hurt World Economy

Rewritten: Panetta:  World War 3, Probably Bad Idea

Real: Congress OKs Bill Averting Government Shutdown

Rewritten: Congress Narrowly Averts Destroying America Again

Real: Sexually Spread Disease Up in US Last Year, Especially Chlamydia; Syphilis Rate Drops

Rewritten: US Men Become More Picky When Choosing Whores

Real: Skype Announces Facebook-to-Facebook Calling

Rewritten: Facebook To Get More Annoying

Real: Philbin Starts to Wrap Things Up as Tenure on “Live” Nears an End

Rewritten: Regis Slowly Realizing His Own Irrelevance