If your birthday is this week:  You will become sexually attracted to a cabbage and knock over a display in the produce section.

Aries:  You will have a nightmare about someone machinegunning your house, then you’ll wake up and realize that you overslept for your drug deal.

Taurus:  This week, there will be some rocky waters ahead.  Mostly because you drove your yacht drunk again.

Gemini: Sick of your roommate’s dirty laundry, you will mail it to his mother, postage due.

Lemini:   You will contemplate suicide until watching the movie, Melancholia.  Then you become sure that you want to die.

Cancer:  The stars say, your Occupy Amber Heard’s Panties movement is popular, but incredibly illegal.

Leo: Vladamir Putin will come to your place and kick your ass.  You know why.

Virgo:  Turns out that fish you bought last week was a gerbil and it finally drowned in that fish bowl you kept it in.  It’s time for new glasses.

Libra:  You will find a note in a rollercoaster written in blood that says, “Jump before the second hill!”

Scorpio:  Your dentist will discover that you’re a whore, mostly because of all the encrusted semen he has to remove from your teeth.

Sagittarius:  After concentrating on a pencil for years, you finally move it with “the Force”.  Shortly thereafter, Lucas Arts lawyers arrive at your home and make you sign a non-disclosure agreement.

Capricorn: You’ll discover that baby you purchased was really a robot.  That’s probably for the best.

Aquarius:  This week you’ll spot a waiter that looks amazingly like Robin Williams, but it turns out, Robin Williams is the manager.

Pisces: You will haunted by the images of Pilgrims in your dreams, most because you’ll eat your weight in stuffing.