If your birthday is this week:  Bad news, it turns out your birthday clown will be Bjork.

Aries:  This week, your mailman will leave a Cleveland Steamer in your box.  It’s a machine that cleans your rug and it’s manufactured in Cleveland, OH.  Unfortunately, he shits in the machine.

Taurus:  The porn fairy will give you an address to pick up your own shit.  She doesn’t want to be seen carrying that crazy crap around anymore.

Gemini:  You will give up your comedy act after your ventriloquist dummy commits suicide in your furnace.

Lemini:  Your tech support guy figures out your problem.  Turns out, you’re just incompetent.

Cancer:  You find out that the reason your dentist keep advising you to brush you teeth with vanilla frosting is because he owns a great deal of stock in a diabetes medical supply company.

Leo:  The stars say, cut the green wire and then run.

Virgo: After 1000 straight hands of Vegas-style solitaire, you’ll realize that you don’t do shit at work.

Libra:  You will dream of making sweet love to a clunky robot and wake up and realize that you’ve cum all over your nightstand.

Scorpio:  The stars say, you get thrown out of the gym for having sex with your trainer.  Not because of the sex, but because you failed to wipe down the exercise machine afterwards.

Sagittarius:  Your pizza will arrive covered in bottlecaps.  You really ought to tip your pizza man more.

Capricorn:  You’ll be mugged by a six year-old girl with a baseball bat.

Aquarius:  Don’t listen to your car’s GPS.  It’s trying to kill you.

Pisces:  You’ll have a relaxing week at home, mainly because you’re too broke to go anywhere.