If your birthday is this week:  The government will refuse to raise your debt limit.  Nice try.

Aries:  Your Father/Son Day is marred when you get home and realize you brought back someone else’s kid and that you have no kids or a reason to go to Father/Son Day.

Taurus:  The stars say, you will bite your tongue while chewing gum.   Maybe you shouldn’t walk while doing that at the same time.

Gemini:  This week, Daniel Craig will break into your office at work and write “See Cowboys & Aliens!” across your dry erase board.  You gotta give him credit for going the extra mile.

Lemini:  Relax, say the stars, that bleeding will stop.  Once you’re dead, the heart stops pumping.

Cancer:  For the first time in your life, a waitress will refer to you as “ma’am”.  It will be a crushing blow, a huge reminder of your own mortality and your latest excuse for leaving a shitty tip.

Leo:  You’ll go to the doctor for a check up.  After a few minutes, you’ll realize he’s spending an awful long time touching your genitals.  Just as you’re about to say something, he’ll pick up his mop and say, “The doctor’s not in today, the office is closed on Mondays.”

Virgo:  If you’re a fan of Jersey Shore, it’ll be a good week for you.  For all other Virgos, the signs of the Apocalypse continue to appear.

Libra:  The stars say, the operation will be a success.  Unfortunately, your unholy abomination in the eyes of God will escape the lab.

Scorpio:  Time to update your pop culture references, a Harry Potter-themed orgy is so July 2011.

Sagittarius:  You will attend a hockey game that will degenerate into a group hug.  It will be sickening.

Capricorn:  Your girlfriend will leave you and take the dog.  The joke’s on her, you were just watching the dog for a friend.

Aquarius:  For the second week in a row, you will wake up in a cold sweat wearing a white collared shirt, black tie and black pants.  There’s no doubt now.  You’re a were-Mormon.

Pisces:  Get dress and go out and have some fun this week!  The economy’s tanking.  By mid-August, you won’t have a pot to piss in, so enjoy it now!