translated by Mr. Shit
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Rodent Roomie,

Dear Señor Cactus,

My roommate has a ferret and he won’t stop talking about it.  He’s constantly asking me to look out for it and feed it and check on it.  It’s driving me crazy.  What’s the penalty for ferreticide?


John R., Virginia Tech

Dear Ferret Hater

Cactus say, on your campus, whatever you do, don’t threaten to shoot it.  He also remind you dat rodents in cages are fun, friendly pets, but rodents in your living space are vermin.  Maybe drop some peanut butter on your roommate’s nads while he’s asleep and a ferret bite will take care of the situation for ya!

Nervous in Nebraska

Mr. Cactus,

My boyfriend had a bad break up with a long time ex, but he remained friends with her.  I recently found out  by checking his browser that he emails her almost on a daily basis!  I confronted him.  He says it’s “no big deal” but I say it’s too intimate!  Should I dump him?

Dora, 20, U of N

Dear Dora the Explorer Explorer

Cactus say, da problem is yer not bonin’ yer man enough!  You think he’d be on the Internet arrangin’ somethin’ on da side if he couldn’t see straight from all the constant orgasms?  Let him bone ya three, four, five times a day.  Then see if he ever remember dat bitch’s name.

Butt Master

Señor Cactus:

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Some Dude

Dear Dude

Cactus say, sure you can!  Next time you wake up with a chick dat look like this, Cactus bet you suddenly don’t remember yer phone number.

Bored in Birmingham

Hey Señor Cactus,

I love my girlfriend, but I’m just so bored with our relationship.  We don’t do anything and our conversations just drift into silence.  It’s like I spend all day coming up with excuses to duck her.  I love her, but I can’t take much more.  Help.

A.J., 19, BSU

Dear Bored Hillbilly

Cactus say, da secret to life is to realize dat everyone is boring!  Why do ya think everyone get drunk and high all da time?  Because who could stand life sober?  Cactus and Mistah Shit say, it time to buy some chronic and keep smokin’ until she interesting!  And hey, you probably bore da shit out of her too!  So make sure you get da right bong!

And if you have a question for Señor Cactus email us here!