Hey Bros!
Hot off the presses is another edition of Rewritten Headlines. Why read the news, when I can skim it for you?

Real: Tiger Woods Returns With 2 Under

Rewritten: Tiger Woods Probably Banging Clubhouse Chicks 2 at a Time

Real: Lady Gaga Weighs in on Amy Winehouse’s Death

Rewritten: Lady Gaga Attempts to Leverage Publicity for Herself

Real: Warren Jeffs Found Guilty of Child Sexual Assault

Rewritten: Religious Perv to be Ass-Raped Soon

Real: NFL Players Ratify 10-Year Deal

Rewritten: Millionaires to Continue Obscenely Rich Lifestyles Uninterrupted

Real: Mitt Romney Pledges Opposition to Gay Marriage

Rewritten: Politician Stumps for Homophobe Vote

Real: Congressional Leaders Call Truce in FAA Fight

Rewritten: Congressional Leaders Too Embarrassed to Continue Opulent Vacations Without Actually Doing Something First

Real: Dow Jones Plunges 513, Worst Drop Since 2008

Rewritten: President Praying for Disaster to Distract Populace

Real: Is “Uncle L.D.” the Notorious Skyjacker D.B. Cooper?  Experts are Skeptical

Rewritten: Experts Still With Nothing Better to do