If your birthday is this week:  You will cut your hand on the swear jar which, ironically, fills the jar, which, ironically pays your hospital bill.

Aries:  Johnny Appleseed will take a pee in your garden.  You’ll cleared of all charges after you beat him to death with your shovel.

Taurus:  You will cease to do business with your normal escort service after they send you four women that look like the cast from “Sex in the City”.

Gemini:  Turns out, you’re adopted.  Sorry you had to hear it from the stars.

Lemini:  You will have the first Facebook profile with a negative amount of friends.

Cancer:  Tattooing your roommate’s face like in the Hangover II turns out to be as hilarious as you thought it would be.

Leo:  You should demand your money back from that hitman.  He’s not killing your girlfriend.  He just keeps meeting her on the subway and rubbing up against her.  Next time, hire someone less creepy.

Virgo:  This week, your Bible salesman will lick all the cookies in the bowl while you’re in the kitchen making him tea.

Libra:  You’ll get trapped in an elevator with Richard Lewis for 17 hours.  Fortunately, you’re not carrying something sharp.

Scorpio:  Your fetish party will be a disaster as everyone forgets their diapers.

Sagittarius:  Your downstairs neighbor will be found dead.  Maybe you should go to a shooting range instead to testing your guns on the floor.

Capricorn:  You will cut a fart that smells so bad, you unhook your seatbelt and jump out of your car.  Try to remember to tuck and roll.

Aquarius:  This week you will realize that the homeless guy you keep giving money to is just a really badly dressed doorman.

Pisces:  The stars say, rest up, you’re getting married on Saturday and you somehow got the flu.  Nice going, dumbass.  Who’s going to update your webcomic sites now?