Hey Bros:

It’s Monday and it’s time for the news headlines the way they should be.

Real: Thor Rules at Box Office

Rewritten: Marvel Manages to Not Screw Up Thor

Real: Japan PM Kan:  Will Announce Government Plan to Deal With Nuke Crisis

Rewritten: Leader to Lie to Populace to Get Them to Stay in Radioactive Wasteland

Real: Swiss Vote to Continue Assisted Suicide

Rewritten: Not Even the Swiss Can Stand Switzerland

Real: Gates Praises Obama’s Call on Bin Laden

Rewritten: Government Employee Praises Boss

Real: 26 Days Later, PlayStation Network Returns

Rewritten: Xbox Players Continue to Shoot Each Other Uninterrupted

Real: Economy Weakens Medicare

Rewritten: Anyone Not Rich Continues to Be Fucked