If your birthday is this week:  Your kung-fu is weak.  Better buy a gun.

Aries:  You will discover a cookie under the couch.  It’s a bit tangy and chewy, but you eat it.  That’s when your roommate will mention he tore off a scab and threw it around the same spot.

Taurus:  The stars say, you’ll get into a fight today.  Try not to worry.  You’ll be unconscious through most of it.

Gemini: The stars say, time for new gum.

Lemini:  You will lose one half pound.  Maybe next time, don’t hide your chronic in your roommate’s sock drawer.

Cancer:  Good news!  You didn’t get ketchup on your favorite shirt.  The bad news?  That ever widening red spot means you’ve been shot.

Leo:  You will cut a fart so smelly, your housemate will call the cops and demand your anus be arrested.

Virgo:  No, it’s not the pants.  You’re fat.  Put down the Twinkies and go for a walk, chubbo.

Libra:  You will make sweet love to a clerk at the Ace Hardware store, but he still won’t give you a discount on your paint.

Scorpio:  You will make sweet love to a very gullible customer.

Sagittarius:  You will finally not have a boring day watching the security cameras at the Ace Hardware store.

Capricorn:  The stars say, clean your gutters.  There’s nothing on TV anyway.

Aquarius:  You’ll be mugged, but after rifling through your purse, the mugger will return it and give you five dollars.  Maybe it’s time to get a job.

Pisces:  One of Donald Trump’s toupees will blow into your front yard.  You’ll be afraid to touch it because it kills the grass wherever it lands.