Hey Bros:

I’m a bit of a news junkie and as a former Communications major (which is kind of like majoring in wasting your parents money) I follow the media quite closely. It’s interesting to see the spin. But I am a tactless, tactless bastard that has pissed off more people than AC Cooper has empathized with. Because of that, I have rewritten the top news headlines the way I think they should read.

Real: After Roasting, Trump Reacts in Character

Rewritten: Donald Trump: Continues to be a Douche

Real: NATO insists Gadhafi not target of airstrikes

Rewritten: NATO can’t fucking kill one guy

Real: Plans Advance to Breach Birds Point, Missouri

Rewritten: Hillbillies Continue to Live in Flood Plain

Real: A wedding day they, and we, will never forget

Rewritten: Rich family continues to pretend they matter

Real: Report:  California cities have worst air pollution in U.S.

Rewritten: Scientists report what people who breathe out West already know

Real: Sony Executives apologize for network security breach

Rewritten: Xbox Live is looking really sweet right now