Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  Your all-hobo production of Rent gets rave reviews.  Homeless people everywhere ask for your autograph along with any spare change you might have.

Aries:  You will visit one of the cleanest restaurant bathrooms in history this week.  Enjoy.

Taurus:  The stars say, you’ll be struck in the head by a very delicious cookie.  It hurts so good.

Gemini:  Your attempt at shooting your own version of the TV show COPS goes horribly wrong.  It turns out, hiring actors to commit crime is also illegal.

Lemini:  Your dog poops on the stairs.  He’s not sick, he just thinks you stepping in it is hilarious.

Cancer:  You will mishear your neighbor’s invitation to his “Boxing Day” party.  It turns out, he just wants you in his yard so he can hit you.

Leo:  Your version of the Bible becomes an instant best seller, until its revealed that Jesus did not look like a bar skank in a bikini bottom and wet t-shirt.

Virgo:  Good news!  That party your roommate drags you to turns out to be cool and you end up in a make out session on someone’s couch.  Unfortunately, when you sober up, it turns out to be your roommate.

Libra:  Good news!  You’ll finally get to make out with your Virgo roommate.

Scorpio:  You collection of antique strap-ons will be stolen.  Better replace that lock.

Sagittarius:  Your hidden camera reveals that your dog hasn’t been rubbing his ass against the carpet.  Unfortunately, while it clears your pet, it does implicate your boyfriend pretty strongly.

Capricorn:  A reporter will interview you for his newspaper column, but about halfway through he’ll just mutter, “Fuck this.  I’m closing the paper.”

Aquarius:  Avoid trees.  You’re being stalked by an extremely nimble and evolved octopus.

Pisces:  Get your oil changed.  It’s time.