If your birthday is this week:   Your invention of a McGriddle that’s injected with fried cheese instead of syrup, makes millions of people overweight and vulnerable to heart disease.  Fortunately, counting your billions of dollars takes up most of your time, so you don’t worry.

Aries:  The stars say, close the door.  It’s cold.

Taurus:  This week, romance will finally enter your life.  Just make sure you’re out of the room when your roommate’s girlfriend comes over.  You’ll never sleep with all that sex noise anyway.

Gemini:   This week, you’ll find Jesus.  He’s on hole 7 of  a miniature golf course.

Lemini:   Your car will be destroyed in a horrible accident.  Fortunately, you won’t be inside it at the time.  Unfortunately, it will land on you.

Cancer:   You’ll bake some muffins this week.  Nice.

Leo:   Your Cancer roommate bakes your cocaine stash into some muffins.  Nice.

Virgo:   The stars say, no matter how many times you watch the newest Star Wars Trilogy, it’s not going to get any better.

Libra:   You’ll poop your pants during an important meeting.  The good news?  It was a boring meeting up until that point.

Scorpio:   This week, you’ll discover that sex with animals is wrong.  And that dolphin will never stop calling you now.

Sagittarius:   Your impromptu kickball game amongst your hipster friends goes horrible wrong when people start enjoying on a non-ironic basis.

Capricorn:   Your pizza will be late, but your meth-addicted pizzaman won’t care.  Just tip him and get him the Hell out of there.

Aquarius:   The idea of a beer can war sounded hilarious, but after a broken window, several dozen bruises and a broken nose, you vow to use Koosh balls next time.

Pisces:  The stars say, go ahead and stiff that waiter on the tip.  Not only does his service suck, he pulled most of your dinner from the dumpster anyway.