If your birthday is this week:  You will pretend to work at a local office just to get the delicious coffee in the break room.  You get to read a Dilbert cartoon on the wall of a cubicle while security throws you out.

Aries:  Your protest will be a failure.  It turns out, no one cares if they cancel S^!% My Dad Says.

Taurus:   You will be the victim of a home invasion by frat boys.  You’ll know, because they don’t steal anything.  They just draw a penis on your face with a Sharpie.

Gemini:  The cable TV guy will arrive.  He won’t be as sexy as you imagine, but you’ll have sex with him anyway.

Lemini:   Your Four Square lying finally catches up to you.  You are impeached as the Mayor of Starbucks.

Cancer:  The stars say, go to that party.  They’ll be cake.

Leo:   God will appear to you and tell that you’re right to be an atheist.

Virgo:   You drive thru purchase will include an extra order of fries, which is weird, because you’ll be at a Taco Bell Drive Thru.

Libra:   The stars say, your horoscope will come true this week.  And you thought it was all bullshit.

Scorpio:   This week, you’ll spend too much money on vintage porn.  The good news is, all that plastic wrapping  keeps the pages from getting sticky.

Sagittarius:  Your Japanese pizza delivery guy arrives two minutes late, instead of giving you a free pizza, he kills himself.  Next time, just give him the coupon.

Capricorn:   A valet will be too embarrassed to bring your car around.  He’ll insist you walk home.

Aquarius:   Live a little and don’t be afraid to pick up a hitchhiker this week.

Pisces:   Okay, it’s all set.  Those dumbass Aquarians will give you a ride wherever you want to go.