If your birthday is this week:   Your week will be full of awesome.  Everywhere you go, there will be free pizza and lottery tickets.  On Wednesday, it will rain ice cream and strippers.

Aries:    This week, your bachelor party gets a little out of hand.  You will wake up wearing colonel uniform and a Lionel Richie wig on a plane bound for Libya.

Taurus:   On Wednesday, your car will skid out of control on a patch of mint chocolate chip, fortunately a pile of half naked women cushions your car during the crash.

Gemini:    Your lawyer may not have your best interests at heart.  Maybe you should discuss it with him after you call your wife from jail and he answers.

Lemini:   You gain a new appreciation for respecting your parents’ space after walking in on their Swinger party.

Cancer:   The stars say, find a new bakery.  The jimmies on your cupcake are moving.

Leo:  You will watch a marathon of Beyond Scared Straight while eating a record five bags of Doritos.  Your hands will be orange for a week.

Virgo:   You will vomit on a clown.

Libra:   Your attempt to sneak alcohol into church works, but later backfires, as that loosens you up for the priest.

Scorpio:    This week, you’ll cover a slip and slide with sex lube.  It will be a blast for you and your dorm mates until someone asks, why the Hell do you have 25 tubes of anal lube in your room.

Sagittarius:   You’ll think someone changed all the keys on your keyboard to Y’s, but it turns out you’re just really, really high.

Capricorn:    You will take an awesome shit.

Aquarius:   The stars say, that fart you lay on the bus will bring tears to everyone’s eyes.  It will be the most beautiful sound you will ever make.

Pisces:  This week, you will play video games and eat sushi.  For no discernible reason, you website will get a million hits.  Maybe it’s because you finally stopped mentioned Charlie Sheen in your po—  Ah, dammit!