If your birthday is this week:   Your sponsor for the Olympic Beer Drinking Team steals your wallet and turns out to be a fraud.  Also, there is no Olympic Beer Drinking Team and you got drunk all those times for nothing.  You can’t “train” yourself not to have a hangover.

Aries:   Your plan to impress your date doesn’t go over as planned.  Reenacting the Buffalo Bill scenes from Silence of the Lambs doesn’t get everyone horny, just you.

Taurus:   The stars say, you will find your jacket pockets full of cocoa.  Enjoy!

Gemini:   Your roommate dyes your hair while you’re sleeping.  The creepy part, he also combs and styles your pubes.  Maybe it’s time for a single.

Lemini:   You will forget to use a coaster.  The ring on your coffee table will be a constant reminder of your failure.  Asshole.

Cancer:   Don’t listen to that fucking fortune cookie.  Are you stupid?  Your lucky numbers are 18, 6, 34, 22, 10 and 29 not 49, 17, 3, 8, 33 and 25!

Leo:   To spice up your sex life, you put your right hand in a French Maid costume.  The bad news is, it doesn’t work.

Virgo:   The stars say, you will lose control of your bowels in the middle of the roller rink.  Next time, don’t eat sushi you buy at a gas station.

Libra:   This week, when you return from your drunk escapades to the hotel you’ll discover someone in your room.  Fortunately, you’ll get the jump on them, knock them out and tie them up for the cops.  Unfortunately, you’ll realize that you’re in the wrong Best Western.

Scorpio:   The sex shop gets your address wrong again.  Either you make a special trip and pay double, or explain to your octogenarian neighbor why you buy double ended dildos by the gross.

Sagittarius:  Don’t play miniature golf this week or you’ll be raped by pitbulls.

Capricorn:   This week, you’ll go to work, come home, eat, watch a lot of TV and maybe get drunk on the weekend.  What else do you expect?

Aquarius:  Those near-sighted mobsters continue not to find you, but according to the TV news, people who kind of look like you are dying 300% faster.

Pisces:  Stop cheating on your girlfriend, it’s ridiculous.  Your wife is eventually going to find out about both of them.