If your birthday is this week: Uncle Fester from the Addams Family will appear to you in a dream and give you lottery numbers. They are all wrong, but the package of light bulbs you buy with the lottery ticket mysteriously light up when you touch them.

Aries: You’ll go see the Warrior’s Way this week. You’ll like it well enough, but wished you stayed home and played XBOX instead, because that would’ve been a lot cheaper than watching a video game you can’t play on a big screen.

Taurus: Due to a mix up at the post office, your RA will get your Fleshlight by mistake. You’ll meet a girl at a dorm mixer and talk about it and make fun of the RA. You’ll go back to your room with her and start making out. Things will get hot and heavy until finally you need a condom. As you are taking off your pants, you ask the girl to open your desk and get a condom. That’s when you will find that your RA wanted to be discreet and placed your brand new Fleshlight in your desk with a Post-it Note saying, “This came for you. I guess you’ll cum for it!”

Gemini: You’ll meet a nice Taurus at a dorm mixer. Stay out of his desk.

Lemini: Your idea to pee in the campus fountain is hilarious to everyone but the campus cops that catch you doing it.

Cancer: The stars say, you’re going to experience a financial windfall. Your roommate leaves his wallet out while he goes to take a shower.

Leo: You will be sexually harassed by the Micheline Tire Man.

Virgo: The stars say, your opponent is bluffing. See his bet and raise him. Seriously, he’s got a tell. The stars can totally see it.

Libra: Senator Joe Leiberman will personally call the company that hosts your blog and have it shut down. He doesn’t think you’re doing anything illegal, he just thinks your a pretentious asshole with nothing to say.

Scorpio: Your gimp will demand a raise and a nicer trunk to sleep in.

Sagittarius: This week you’ll dine at one of the finest restaurants you’ve ever eaten in. Unfortunately, it’s a Del Taco. You really gotta get out more.

Capricorn: Your attempt to borrow a puppy to attract a girl backfires when the puppy is kidnapped on the street and you turn to your date and shrug, “Oh, well.”

Aquarius: The stars say, live your dream, make your comic book, just don’t print more than six. That’s all you’ll ever need.

Pisces: Your drunken crime spree goes wrong when you accidentally rescue an elderly lady from an abusive rest home. Now you’ll never get to join a street gang.