Apr22

Twitter in Focus: Andy Dick

by tonyd on April 22, 2009 at 12:14 am

Hello, bros.  And welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant is Andy Dick!

When I first stumbled across Andy’s twittering my first thought was “Holy crap, now we can hear his last words just before he kills himself.”  Turns out, Andy got sober.  Good for you Andy.  Let’s see what’s on your mind:

21 hours ago: “there was a point in my career when i had a stalker… http://blog.andydick.com”

Now that you’re sober, can you work on Edward from that clip?  He looks like he just road the train to Cocaine Town.

21 hours ago: “re-writing the daphne aguilera feature film right now. funny stuff.”

Maybe it’s not my place to say and I do really think you’re funny, but can that character sustain 90 minutes?  Remember what happened to Al Franken.  Now look at him.

18 hours ago: “plugging away at my daphne aguilera script. i enjoy my time with that whore. she is a skank after my own heart. i’m gonna get her to tweet!”

Well, at least you’re keeping busy.  Better you write comedy than get coked up and steal a firetruck or something.

18 hours ago: “people in the east making coffee, getting ready for work. almost 4 am here on the west coast and i’m still working…stone cold sober. nice!”

But damn you, Andy.  We can’t enjoy Peet’s Coffee because we don’t have it here.  Thanks for reminding us.

17 hours ago: “my assistant is editing mo collins and i together from last night. will have something blogged soon at http://blog.andydick.com”

Oh, yeah.  Mo Collins is hot and funny.  Put her in the movie.  That should help.

9 hours ago: “i have 9 months sober today. can you believe it? it’s like i’ve been gestating this whole time and i’m ready to be pooped out finally.”

That’s uh…  That’s still good, Andy.  Is that you being funny or you lack of self esteem creeping back?  Maybe a little of both.  Hang in there bro!

9 hours ago: “is red wine good for babies?”

If it’s a French baby.

9 hours ago: “i’ll bet there are so many people out there who are like “F#CK! andy dick’s sober? how could he be doing better than me?… or my mom!?” ha!”

Yeah and how do you have an assistant?  What was she doing while you were drugged up?  Scoring your smack?  Slapping your arm to find a vein?

9 hours ago: “sorry. these last nine months have been trying on me to say the least, and i felt like rubbing it in someone’s face. i’ll try to be gracious”

And here we see Andy checking himself.  Self control like that will keep you from going off the deep end.  Like you did in the Shatner Roast.  Although it was pretty funny.

9 hours ago: “please come over to my blog and help me celebrate! i’ll have clips from last night’s show up soon. http://blog.andydick.com”

You probably should give them this link directly to your channel on atom.

8 hours ago: “last year, i rescued a california desert tortoise. he just came out of his winter hibernation. i think i did too. mine was longer.”

Baby steps, Andy.  You don’t have to be funny right out of the gate.  Relax into it.  Twitter is tricky.  Different kind of pacing.

7 hours ago: “someone just wrote on my blog that my penis will get bigger now that i’ve been sober for so long. i call it my WEAPON OF ASS DESTRUCTION!”

Were you on steroids too?  Oh, wait, that’s the balls.

5 hours ago: “just got back from kinkos. met a twitter follower there in person. i guess this thing is real. 9 months sober today!”

Yeah, and thanks a lot for using up the toner, jerk!

4 hours ago: “gearing up to shoot five more ‘house arrest with andy dick’ this weekend http://tinyurl.com/bugkm7″

That’s funny.  What crime are you going to commit to keep the show going?

4 hours ago: “fun guests this round: bob odenkirk, adam corolla, tom green, steve-o, keegan michael key (and a few surprises)”

I’ll be surprised if Steve-o stays sober as long as you.  Of course, when you staple your ball sack for a living, you probably need a few pills to get through the day.

3 hours ago: “salmon”

Minimalist twitter, very chic.  Is Andy eating salmon?  Enjoying the color?  Is he texting us that there is a sale on monday somewhere?  So much to read in one tiny twittering.

2 hours ago: “and chocolate.”

Now that is a disgusting combo.  I like both fish and the chocolate, but never mix the two.  Maybe if you fed the salmon chocolate until it died, like a veal, it would taste really good.

1 hours ago: “is keeping the virus alive.”

This is becoming a puzzle and making less and less sense.  You didn’t go back to drugs between tweets did you?

1 hours ago: “that came out wrong.”

What came out wrong?

18 minutes ago: “i am clean as a whistle!”

Hmmm, guilty conscience?

Well, I wish you well, Andy.  Remember, if you can’t do cocaine and booze, you can always have sushi and chocolate.  Just don’t mix the two.  And now let’s rate Andy’s twittering.  For Insanity, I give him a 5 (he sounds a little weird, but generally has his shit together) for Mustness I give him a 7 (mainly because he’s famous and it should be interesting to watch him regain his lost ground) and for Style, I’ll give him a 6.  (I think Andy’s in transition, searching for his new personae, which isn’t quite as dickish as the old days.)  That means Andy’s overall score is 6.  Not bad.  I have a feeling once Andy gets his sealegs back, his twitterings will either get more interesting or he’ll be too busy with his movie career to really do it.  Either way, should be worth a peek and his show is kinda cool.

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Apr19

Frat Boy At the Movies: Crank 2: High Voltage

by tonyd on April 19, 2009 at 11:57 am

Crank 2: High Voltage may be the most insane action movie you will ever see.  Directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor (who also wrote the screenplay and did the first movie) heighten the second movie to ridiculous extremes and it is extremely entertaining.   First off, bros, there are titties everywhere in this movie.  I mean everywhere, including Amy Smart’s titties.

Jason Stathman plays Chev Chelios, the hitman that got poisoned in the first one.  Amy plays his stripper/girlfriend, Eve.  Chev fell out of a helicopter at the end of the last movie and this movie picks up right where the other left off.  Scooped up by Chinese gangsters, the Triad decides to harvest Chev’s organs.  (They figure they must be good since he survived their deadliest poison.)  Some three months later, Chev wakes up with a temporary heart, fights his way off the operating table and starts his insane journey to get his heart back.  Also returning is Efren Ramirez as the twin brother of the transvestite killed in the first movie.  Chev’s heart is only temporary and hooked to a battery.  He must keep the battery charged to live and has to constantly shock himself.  Did I mention Amy Smart plays a stripper?  She also kicks Corey Haim’s ass.

There are so many high points in this movie, it’s kind of like spending way too much time getting a lap dance on a roller coaster while getting all coked up.  It’s just a non-stop orgy of violence and sex.  The great thing about the movie is the bar is already set low and the creative team shatter your expectations of what an action movie can be.  They don’t just stick to the high concept.  But even that they explore to the max, having Chev shock himself with every device imaginable just to keep living.

Crank 2 abandons almost all sense, but you probably won’t care because the movie just keeps daring you to stop watching.  (If you do, you’re going to miss something weird and cool.)  The Transporter sequel were missing this kind of fun.  If you’re the kind of person that takes movies seriously, you’ll probably hate this sequel, but I couldn’t turn away and loved almost every minute of it.  Even a scene as boring as Chev and Eve in a police car turns interesting as Eve is trapped in the back with a horny fellow stripper that just won’t leave her alone.  I think about every stunt person in Hollywood must’ve gotten a gig on this movie.  The action rarely stops and when it does, it’s uses replaced by titties and/or interesting cuts, music or sequences.

If you don’t like Crank 2, you probably dislike strippers and GTA IV, so you fuck you then.  I give Crank 2: High Voltage 9 out of 10 keggers.  It is the most kick ass, titty shaking, action flick you will see this summer.

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Apr16

Who Should Eat a Dick: Guest Column

by tonyd on April 16, 2009 at 2:05 am

Hello Bros!

sf-tony-avatar.jpg

Chris Moreno is on a intercontinental safari for the next couple of “Who Should Eat a Dick?” columns, so yours truly is pitching in.

Every Thursday, Chris Moreno lists individuals whose behaviors have been so deplorable that they should eat a dick.

–  To the Bush Administration’s lawyers that wrote the torture memos, the CIA that performed the torture, George W. Bush and everyone in in the chain of command.  You should all be thrown into a cell, exposed to varying temperatures, waterboarded and then have bugs dropped on you in a confined space.  All while eating a dick.

– To the Obama Administration for announcing that we all should just “look forward and not look back” on that whole torture thing.   You should all eat a plate of dicks and then forget about it, because, you know, why dwell on your dick eating?

– Casa Robles High School District who fired a cheerleader coach because she posed for Playboy, even though she told them ahead of time.  The administrators should make a human pyramid, do a cheer and then eat a dick, you spineless haters of tasteful nudity.

– Fox News, why there are so many reasons, but this week you jumped aboard the Tax Tea Parties, and destroyed any sense of the protestors’ credibility.  (Where were all you a-holes when George W. Bush was pissing away our money?)  You unbelievable bunch of propaganda hypocrites should get teabagged and then look up at eat that dick.

– And finally, to the Mexican gangsters that seem completely out of control south of the border.  Your crimes include kidnapping American kids on vacation. You should be snatched off the street of Tijuana and force-fed a fatty, stuffed with meaty dick.

Think someone needs to eat a dick? Email suggestions to dicketer@gmail.com or post in the message board.

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Apr15

Twitter in Focus: Jhonen Vasquez (JhonenV)

by tonyd on April 15, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Hello, bros and welcome to another edition of Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Dying is a topic our next contestant knows well being the creator of a famous homicidal maniac.  Let’s welcome Jhonen Vasquez:

That’s what I like about Jhonen.  He always goes for the comedy jugular, even in his avatar.  Let’s see what’s on his mind.

April 5th,  5:12am:  “Woah, woah, there, Chabbsy Steiner. What’s with the space suits? Just take a deep breath, grab a sponge and get the hell out there.”

Chabbsy Steiner?  Let me google that.  (clicka, clicka, clicka)  No idea.

April 5th,  10:12pm:  “Supanova 9? 10? I dunno…Just fuckin’ kill me.- http://tinyurl.com”/dlethj “

Ha!  Jhonen you are the Hunter S. Thompson of comic book conventions.  “20 bucks Australian.  I’ll never forget whatsisface the cabbie.”  You are full of awesome, JV.

April 5th,  10:50pm:  “Going to check out Chrome Studios here in Brisbane. Mmm…video games. I hope they let me eat some.”

Wow, you get to go to an Australian convention and play video games.  I am so jealous.  Seriously, I am.

April 6th,  4:21am:  “Krome Studios guys were great. Flailed like an idiot playing Count Dooku in hopes of beating the shit out of that awful Ahsoka girl.”

Damn, JV.  Five straight hours of video games at a convention?  Sign me up.

April 6th,  5:56pm:  “ShortHorrorTheatre: A dracula has his proposal for a library design rejected only to be beaten out by a mummy with better connections.”

Makes senses.  The pharoahs were buried with plenty of cash.

April 7th,  9:54pm:  “Landing was a bit rough, scraped my knee a bit, but I’m back and ready for action. You’re not done with me yet, Chabbsies of the Earth.”

First, stay INSIDE the plane JV.  Second, what the fuck is a Chabbsy?!

April 7th,  10:45pm:  “360 leaps and barks happily at my return. PS3 sits in the window sill, gives me a nod. Wii runs on its little wheel in a cage, crapping.”

Man, the Wii really does do everything.

April 8th,  4:56pm:  “Hard to forget Australia now that I’m back home mainly for the fact that I keep finding half dead Koalas in all the strangest places on me.”

Now, one could analyze this and say that JV is distant.  That he uses comedy to hide his pain.  I say, no, he’s a consumate performer.  Dancing and juggling like a street monkey for our amusement.  Dance, monkey!  Dance!

April 8th,  1:40am:  “Drawing desk calls to me, threatening everything I love if I don’t sit down and get to work. It could end my life with a single phone call.”

Are you hearing this Moreno?  He’s just like you!

April 9th,  9:35am:  “New 100 Chabsey Steiners, put on your bear suits, grab a laser rifle and get to the front line. Old shift, you deserve a hummus shake.”

Oh, right.  Video games, food references—  He must be baked out of his gord. Now it all makes sense.

April 9th,  12:03pm:  “Off to scream at some people at an early morning meeting with people that probably shouldn’t show up since I’m only going to scream at them.”

I didn’t realize you had such a big staff, JV.  You rule them with an iron fist.  No wonder you have that avatar.

April 9th,  2:34pm:  “When will development execs get that my puking while screaming and smashing things is part of my pitch?! Didn’t even get parking validated.”

Now I know why he needs to get high.  Poor bastard has to deal with the suits at development.  They don’t understand you, JV.  Not like—  Oh, wait, I don’t understand you either.  Never mind.

April 10th,  7:06pm:  “Another friday means another awful battle with that homeless man that shows up dressed in my old clothes that wants to take over my life.”

You mean you threw out all your Hot Topic clothes?  What choice does the man have?  The other homeless people have laughed him off the streets.  You put him in an impossible position, JV.

April 10th,  7:08pm:  “I can see him down the street, practicing by stabbing dogs with a sword fashioned from cans, a sick mockery of MY sword made from cans.”

April 10th,  10:33pm:  “Since when is filling plastic eggs with insane killer bees and hiding them amongst various egg hunts full of laughing kids illegal?”

I know, right!  Welcome to Barack Obama’s America!

April 10th,  11:00pm:  “As far as I know, the kids were really digging it, the ones that weren’t suddenly sleepy and motionless anyhow. To hell with the law.”

Plus, if you get caught you can always have that homeless guy serve your sentence.

April 11th,  10:02pm:  “A bit late, but new you new 100 Chabbsy Steiners gotta give blood to power the AC units in your new hell. Old crew, that’s right: MUFFINS.”

Hmmm, maybe the homeless guy took over your Twitter account.

April 11th,  10:07pm:  “Giving up on gravity again. Just sick of it, I am. I ripped up my gravity card and was about to piss on it when I started floating away.”

April 11th,  10:08pm:  “This means I accidentally pissed all over my bindle, packed with everything I thought I would need as a float-bo. A foul start.”

Damn, JV, I may just remove everyone else I am following on twitter and just follow your insane posts full time.  This is like crack for the brain.

April 11th,  10:57pm:  “Today, I am Jhonen Tweetstorm. No mercy for those with updates sent to their phones, you horrible fools. My deathtank feeds on your cries.”

Sounds like one of the X-men with the mutant power of making Twitter entertaining.

April 12th,  12:47am:  “Can I borrow anyone’s gravity card? The whole quitting gravity thing made a great scene but now I’m really hungry and scared.”

Careful, you don’t want to get a card from someone fatter than you.  You won’t be able to move.  Although if you get a dwarf’s card you can walk like you’re on the moon!

April 12th,  6:20pm:  “Happy Easter. Does the awful thing enter your house, lay hundreds of eggs on your bed and command you to force them upon the infidels, too?”

We’ve been through this, JV.  The Easter Shiek isn’t real.

April 12th,  6:29pm:  “A final grunt, the last glistening globe drops from its ovipositor, the tiny mouths in its eyes silent but agape. Yep, it’s Easter again”

April 12th,  8:28pm:  “Will the world know I was responsible for activating the kids whose parents thieved my name for them, turning them into silent assassins?”

No.

Exhausting.  JV it’s been a rollercoaster and anyone that doesn’t follow you on twitter should have their eyes bitten out by radioactive Chabbseys (whatever they are).  Your glorious twitter postings have made me smile and wonder and think and maybe throw up in my mouth just a little.  I give you a 10 for Mustness (because all must read it) a 10 for Style (which you certainly have sir) and a 10 for Insanity (which actually should be a 13, you’re quite mad, sir).  JhonenV gets a perfect 10 score, bros.  Follow him.  To the Gates of Twitter Hell.

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