Sep02

Twitter in Focus: Satans Thong

by tonyd on September 2, 2009 at 12:01 am

Hello, bros:

And welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant was found on the “Weird Twitter We Follow” website I stumbled across.   Let’s see if Satan’s Thong (not to be confused with the Devil’s Panties) lives up to its weirdness.

16 hours ago:  “Do Cannibals refer to homeless people as Free Range?”

That seems to me more like “farm raised”.  Athletes like Michael Phelps sound more “Free Range” to me.
16 hours ago:  “I’m fucked! Just ran a marathon to protest against rape. I tried saying no, but they wouldn’t have it.”

Dah-dum-dum.  Keesh.

13 hours ago:  “Xbox Live: satans thong is currently Online. Playing Batman: Arkham Asylum. Story Mode Penitentiary. (Xbox Live Nation)”

Yeah, that game is pretty much the shit.  Holds the Guiness Book of World Record for best reviewed video game.  That is until I finally get an XBOX Super Frat game going.

11 hours ago:  “Right. Off to docs. Wish me luck!!”

Good luck, Satan!

9 hours ago:  “Docs gave me pills. God forbid we tackle the cause of it, let’s just throw pills at the symptoms. Can I have my medical degree now please?”

Yes, and I’m sure if he gave you nothing, you’d be much happier, yes?  “Please, go home and suffer now.  I have nothing for you.  Good day.”

9 hours ago:  “You know you watch too much porn when filling your car & just before you top it off, you pull the hose out and spray it all over the roof.”

It’s why I no longer take my laptop to the gas station.

9 hours ago:  “My uncle was a terrible ventrilaqust he used to stick his hand up my ass and ask me not to say anything……”

But could he do it while drinking water?

9 hours ago:  “No + Rohypnol = Yes”

You may want to try this new invention first.  In America, we call it beer.

9 hours ago:  “Rohypnol. Because she’s worth it.”

Da-dum-dum.  Keesh.

8 hours ago:  “My girlfriend asked me to suprise her for her birthday. So I raped her dad.”

If she reads this Twitter, she may have saw that one coming.

8 hours ago:  “Ever notice that most night time TV has people doing sign language in the corner? It can only mean deaf people are all vampires.”

Of course, their ears are full of blood.

8 hours ago:  “My mate asked why I have empty milk bottles in my fridge. I told him it’s incase someone wants their coffee black.”

Guy walks up to me, asks me what my dog is like.  I say, he has no nose.  He asks me, “How does he smell” and I say, “Awful!”

8 hours ago:  “What’s the difference between masturbation and fucking your cat? About 10 beers.”

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?  Because he was dead.  Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?  Because I threw him up there to knock down the monkey.  Why did the baby fall out of the tree?  Because he was stapled to the chicken.

8 hours ago:  “Rohypnol – For when you know she wants you, she just doesn’t know it yet.”

Okay, now you’re creeping me out.

8 hours ago:  “I get a little more worried each time I mention Rohypnol and gain a new follower.”

I feel the same way every time I post “Top Ten Stalker Links”.

8 hours ago:  “Part 8 of the 10 part Joke blogs!!! http://demoncheese.com/blog/ Check it out!”

As Dice Clay would say, “Ooooooooohhhh!”

8 hours ago:  “I like to answer my front door naked and start to ‘absent mindedly’ fondle my junk to see how long before they say something/walk away.”

That was you?  Well, if you want to buy my girl scout cookies, you’re gonna need some pants.

5 hours ago: “Xbox Live: satans thong is currently Online. Playing Batman: Arkham Asylum. Story Mode Botanical Gardens. (Xbox Live Nation)”

You know, your jokes might be more offensive if you weren’t so distracted by playing video games.  I’m just saying.

Short, but sweet, that’s how we like our Tweets.  Satan’s Thong is a fun time to be sure, not quite as funny as Johannes Vasquez, but who is?  Let’s rate ST:  I give him a 5 for Style, he’s a bit all over the place.  7 for Mustness, kudos for regular updates.  Finally, an 8 for Insanity:  You have to be nuts to write a comedy tweet, it’s a lotta fuckin’ work.  That’s an overall score of 6.7.  Not bad.  Worth checking out.  If you have a Twitter worth checking out, send the link to:  Twitter in Focus.

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Aug29

Frat Boy At the Movies: The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard

by tonyd on August 29, 2009 at 12:47 am

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard is one of those movies where you pretty much know what’s going to happen, but that’s not really the point.  It’s pretty funny without being particularly clever or new.  They made this movie once already and it was called Used Cars with Kurt Russel in the Jeremy Piven role.

Basic Plot:  Don Reddy (Jeremy) and his team help ailing dealerships blow out their cars when they’re stuck with too many.  Reddy wants to save the dealership and win the heart of Ivy, daughter of the owner.  Director Neil Brennan of Chappele’s Show does what he does best: let’s funny people be funny.  Everyone in the movie is sort of doing their usual schtick, but under Brennan’s guidance it comes off funny and polished.  Comic vets include Rob Riggle as a 10 year old boy, Ed Helms as the bad car dealer with his own boy band, Alan Thicke as his dad, Craig Robinson as a weird, contrary DJ and a cameo by Will Ferrel.  (It was produced by Ferrel and Adam McKay.)  It’s like someone dumped half the cast of the Daily Show and Office Space in this movie.

Now as long as you don’t go into this movie with high expectations, you should like it.  I mean, it’s not Shakespeare and it’s not even the Hangover, but it’s a solid, good, funny Friday night movie or a surprisingly good rental.  It’s paced well, so even if you don’t like it, it will finish quickly and efficiently.

I give The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard six keggers out of 10.

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Aug27

Who Should Eat a Dick

by tonyd on August 27, 2009 at 2:25 am

sf-chris-avatar.jpg with Chris Moreno

Every Thursday, Chris Moreno lists individuals whose behaviors have been so deplorable that they should eat a dick.

—  Michael Restaino, the Jersey man who called a cab to serve as his getaway vehicle after he robbed a bank, should eat a New York cab driver’s dick after it’s been in the seat all shift.

— The Clearwater, Florida man who left his two small children in the car while he went to the strip club should eat a tranny’s dick wrapped in $20 in singles.

— And now it’s time to play Family Feud!  We surveyed– well, me and my friends—and asked them to name the largest group of people who should have to eat dicks, and– survey SAYS– *DING!*  It’s the two Alabama families whose 4-year-long conflict caused a riot that went all the way to city hall!

— Paul Boucher, the 77 year old man who hit a cop because there was a parade blocking the street, should eat the dicks of the University of New Hampshire Wildcat Marching Band.  Gooooooo Wildcats!

— Bad form, Microsoft Poland.  Changing a photo of a black man at a board table into a white man on their website!  For shame.  I think you should all eat a big, black dick.  It’s ok, just close your eyes and pretend it’s white.

Think someone needs to eat a dick? Email suggestions to dicketer@gmail.com or post in the message board.

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Aug26

Twitter in Focus: shitmydadsays

by tonyd on August 26, 2009 at 1:34 am

Hello, bros and welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die.  I was beginning to think I would never find anything as entertaining as Courtney Love’s nonsensical tweets, but I was wrong.  Today we examine shitmydadsays.

28 year-old Justin lives with his 73 year-old dad and is using his Twitter to post random things that he says.  This is brilliant for lots of reason, but mainly because we all know he will never find out about it.  Brace yourself, bros.

August 3rd, 2:24pm:  “I didn’t live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don’t fix me your breakfast and pretend you’re fixing mine.”

Wow, he’s more cranky than John McCain.  Hope he doesn’t run for president.

August 4th, 12:59pm: “The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside.”

Is he telling him to go inside to get a dog or get his own “inside” place?  I’m thinking the latter.

August 5th, 12:13pm:  “When I used to live in Los Angeles, I used to step in human feces a lot.”

There is no way to type how hard I am laughing right now.

August 6th, 12:41pm:  “Jesus it’s hot in here? Right? No? It’s fucking hot, you people looking at me like i’m crazy. You’re crazy.”

Yeah, you tell ’em grandpa!

August 7th, 12:33pm:  “Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I’ll answer.”

Why should I record a show on the Tivo?  If I want to watch it, I’ll be here when its on!

August 11th, 12:51pm: “If your brother comes by, tell him I’m on vacation. I already told him that, but who knows with that guy. Are you listening to me? Fuck.”

Oh, Justin is listening all right.

August 11th, 1:22pm:  “Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think.”

Did they base Grandpa Simpson on Justin’s dad?

August 12th, 11:46am: (left on answering machine) “Hello? Hello? It’s Sam. Anyone there? Nobody checks this god damned thing. HELLO?! HELLO?! Screw it.”

I just had to explain to the rest of the people in the house why I am in my office laughing my ass off.

August 14th, 12:56pm:  “It’s watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don’t even pay rent, just do it. Shit.”

Yeah-yeah, dad I’m typing something on Twitter.

August 15th, 5:42pm:  “My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday…You want to watch what? What the fuck is mad men? I’m a mad man if you don’t pick me the hell up.”

You want to watch the Tudors, then?  “Tudors?!  What the Hell’s a Tudor?  I’m a Tudor if you don’t pick me the hell up!”  See?  Works with anything.

August 17th, 12:23pm:  “They serve Jim Beam on airplanes. Tastes like piss. You wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, because you drink shit. I don’t.”

I can’t wait to see the post on Father’s Day.

August 18th, 1:43pm:  “The dog is not bored, it’s a fucking dog. It’s not like he’s waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He’s a god damned dog.”

He’s right, Justin.  I gave my dog a Rubix Cube and she only finished two sides.

August 19th, 12:28pm:  “Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices… Jesus, Joni (my mom) it’s a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn’t even real dammit!”

Thanks for ruining my childhood hero!

August 20th, 12:35pm:  “Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down.”

Fuckin’ douchebag, baby!  Probably grow up and transcribe your brother’s ramblings on the Internet.

August 21st, 11:57am:  “Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me.”

This may be the best thing I’ve ever read on the Internet.

August 22nd, 2:15pm:  “Don’t touch the bacon, it’s not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i’ll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing.”

Except type on the fucking blackberry all day.

August 23rd, 4:03pm:  “You need to flush the toilet more than once…No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet.”

And I don’t want your poo mixed with mine!

August 24th, 11:07pm:  “Who is this woman?….Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks.”

Yeah and her fuckin’ spices!

9 hours ago:  “How the fuck should I know if it’s still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn’t good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes.”

You drop dead and it was poison.  Do I have to explain everything?

Well, bros, this was the most classic twitter ever.  Kudos to you Justin for thinking of it.  A brilliant use of an idiotic technology.  Let’s rate it.  For Insanity, I give you a 10, easily.  You are one crazy dude, Justin and your dad is going to kick your ass if he ever finds out.  For Style, gotta also go with 10.  You’ve obviously picked the best quotes and they are hilarious.  And finally, yes bros, 10 for Mustness.  I cannot wait to see the next tweet.  Perfect score!  10 for shitmydadsays!  If there is a Twitter Oscar, I have found the winner!  Please, all of you, subscribe now.  And if you have something this brilliant on twitter, email us for the next Twitter in Focus.

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