Aug27

Who Should Eat a Dick

by tonyd on August 27, 2009 at 2:25 am

sf-chris-avatar.jpg with Chris Moreno

Every Thursday, Chris Moreno lists individuals whose behaviors have been so deplorable that they should eat a dick.

—  Michael Restaino, the Jersey man who called a cab to serve as his getaway vehicle after he robbed a bank, should eat a New York cab driver’s dick after it’s been in the seat all shift.

— The Clearwater, Florida man who left his two small children in the car while he went to the strip club should eat a tranny’s dick wrapped in $20 in singles.

— And now it’s time to play Family Feud!  We surveyed– well, me and my friends—and asked them to name the largest group of people who should have to eat dicks, and– survey SAYS– *DING!*  It’s the two Alabama families whose 4-year-long conflict caused a riot that went all the way to city hall!

— Paul Boucher, the 77 year old man who hit a cop because there was a parade blocking the street, should eat the dicks of the University of New Hampshire Wildcat Marching Band.  Gooooooo Wildcats!

— Bad form, Microsoft Poland.  Changing a photo of a black man at a board table into a white man on their website!  For shame.  I think you should all eat a big, black dick.  It’s ok, just close your eyes and pretend it’s white.

Think someone needs to eat a dick? Email suggestions to dicketer@gmail.com or post in the message board.

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Aug26

Twitter in Focus: shitmydadsays

by tonyd on August 26, 2009 at 1:34 am

Hello, bros and welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die.  I was beginning to think I would never find anything as entertaining as Courtney Love’s nonsensical tweets, but I was wrong.  Today we examine shitmydadsays.

28 year-old Justin lives with his 73 year-old dad and is using his Twitter to post random things that he says.  This is brilliant for lots of reason, but mainly because we all know he will never find out about it.  Brace yourself, bros.

August 3rd, 2:24pm:  “I didn’t live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don’t fix me your breakfast and pretend you’re fixing mine.”

Wow, he’s more cranky than John McCain.  Hope he doesn’t run for president.

August 4th, 12:59pm: “The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside.”

Is he telling him to go inside to get a dog or get his own “inside” place?  I’m thinking the latter.

August 5th, 12:13pm:  “When I used to live in Los Angeles, I used to step in human feces a lot.”

There is no way to type how hard I am laughing right now.

August 6th, 12:41pm:  “Jesus it’s hot in here? Right? No? It’s fucking hot, you people looking at me like i’m crazy. You’re crazy.”

Yeah, you tell ’em grandpa!

August 7th, 12:33pm:  “Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I’ll answer.”

Why should I record a show on the Tivo?  If I want to watch it, I’ll be here when its on!

August 11th, 12:51pm: “If your brother comes by, tell him I’m on vacation. I already told him that, but who knows with that guy. Are you listening to me? Fuck.”

Oh, Justin is listening all right.

August 11th, 1:22pm:  “Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think.”

Did they base Grandpa Simpson on Justin’s dad?

August 12th, 11:46am: (left on answering machine) “Hello? Hello? It’s Sam. Anyone there? Nobody checks this god damned thing. HELLO?! HELLO?! Screw it.”

I just had to explain to the rest of the people in the house why I am in my office laughing my ass off.

August 14th, 12:56pm:  “It’s watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don’t even pay rent, just do it. Shit.”

Yeah-yeah, dad I’m typing something on Twitter.

August 15th, 5:42pm:  “My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday…You want to watch what? What the fuck is mad men? I’m a mad man if you don’t pick me the hell up.”

You want to watch the Tudors, then?  “Tudors?!  What the Hell’s a Tudor?  I’m a Tudor if you don’t pick me the hell up!”  See?  Works with anything.

August 17th, 12:23pm:  “They serve Jim Beam on airplanes. Tastes like piss. You wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, because you drink shit. I don’t.”

I can’t wait to see the post on Father’s Day.

August 18th, 1:43pm:  “The dog is not bored, it’s a fucking dog. It’s not like he’s waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He’s a god damned dog.”

He’s right, Justin.  I gave my dog a Rubix Cube and she only finished two sides.

August 19th, 12:28pm:  “Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices… Jesus, Joni (my mom) it’s a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn’t even real dammit!”

Thanks for ruining my childhood hero!

August 20th, 12:35pm:  “Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down.”

Fuckin’ douchebag, baby!  Probably grow up and transcribe your brother’s ramblings on the Internet.

August 21st, 11:57am:  “Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me.”

This may be the best thing I’ve ever read on the Internet.

August 22nd, 2:15pm:  “Don’t touch the bacon, it’s not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i’ll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing.”

Except type on the fucking blackberry all day.

August 23rd, 4:03pm:  “You need to flush the toilet more than once…No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet.”

And I don’t want your poo mixed with mine!

August 24th, 11:07pm:  “Who is this woman?….Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks.”

Yeah and her fuckin’ spices!

9 hours ago:  “How the fuck should I know if it’s still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn’t good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes.”

You drop dead and it was poison.  Do I have to explain everything?

Well, bros, this was the most classic twitter ever.  Kudos to you Justin for thinking of it.  A brilliant use of an idiotic technology.  Let’s rate it.  For Insanity, I give you a 10, easily.  You are one crazy dude, Justin and your dad is going to kick your ass if he ever finds out.  For Style, gotta also go with 10.  You’ve obviously picked the best quotes and they are hilarious.  And finally, yes bros, 10 for Mustness.  I cannot wait to see the next tweet.  Perfect score!  10 for shitmydadsays!  If there is a Twitter Oscar, I have found the winner!  Please, all of you, subscribe now.  And if you have something this brilliant on twitter, email us for the next Twitter in Focus.

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Aug22

Frat Boy at the Movies: Inglorious Basterds

by tonyd on August 22, 2009 at 12:01 am

Quentin Tarantino’s obsession with 70’s B-movies is beginning to wear thin and one has to wonder if even Quentin understands why and how they were made.  Like a lot of low budget movies, the original Inglorious Bastards probably had a lot of characters sitting around or running through the woods because that’s cheap to shoot, not because it’s necessarily interesting.

That isn’t to say there aren’t interesting characters in this movie, there are.  Brad Pitt’s Lt. Raine is fun as is war hero, Frederrick Zoeller and the “Nazi detective”, Landa.  But if Tarantino has a message here, it’s beyond me and the story just seems to be a rambling series of events and scenes that don’t quite come together in the end.

I saw the movie with a group of drunk college kids and they cheered the over-the-top violence, but were antsy in their seats during the long stretches of non-violence.  The movie is sort of like a guy convincing you to come with him on a long and interesting journey and driving you only a block and saying, “See?  Wasn’t that interesting?”

Inglorious Basterds needed fewer characters and more of a plot or a point.  It probably would’ve worked much better as a 30 minute movie, rather than a 2+ hour epic.  And the odd choice of alternate historical ending seems to take the wind out the sails of the characters rather than enhance the movie.  Still wondering what the point was.  Maybe the DVD will be better with some kind of explanation of what’s going on in Quentin’s head.  That’s probably a bad thing, as I seemed more concerned about the decision of the director than the decision of the characters.

I give Inglorious Basterds 4 keggers out of 10.

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Aug20

Who Should Eat a Dick: Guest Column

by tonyd on August 20, 2009 at 12:53 am

sf-tony-avatar.jpg with Tony DiGerolamo

Every Thursday, Super Frat lists individuals whose behaviors have been so deplorable that they should eat a dick.

That’s right dick eaters, it’s Thursday and for your douchebaggery, it’s time to swallow the meat wagon, gobble Mr. Johnson and eat a dick.

 –  To the douchebags in Charlotte, NC, who forced a wheelchair bound person to go around their apartment and give up their money and electronics, better buy a napkin and fork with that money because you both need to eat a dick.

– To President Obama, who can’t seem to manage to get his shit together even with both houses in his back pocket and everyone wanting national health care.  I think, Mr. President, your doctor wants you to eat two dicks and call him in the morning.  Then call the health insurance companies, Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh and tell them to go fuck themselves.

– To President Karzai and the Afghanistan warlords that keep this country supplied with opium, that are stuffing the ballot boxes in an election that the U.S. paid in blood and money for them to hold, can smoke a giant, heroine-filled dick.

–  And then there’s Liam Gallagher who is predicting that his own brother’s album will be “awful”.  You know what’s awful, Liam?  You eating a giant dick with the words “Oasis Sucks Because of Liam” tattooed across it.

– Lest we forget, there’s the Canadian douchebag that neglected his dog so bad, part of the dog’s face rotted off.  I think there’s a giant plate of rotting dog dick waiting for you.

Think someone needs to eat a dick? Email suggestions to dicketer@gmail.com or post in the message board

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