Super Frat

Hello, bros and welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today’s TIF contestant is the Happy News Headlines Twitter.  Because when you’re down, couldn’t you use some news to make you happy?  Plus, I’m going to try to turn every headline sad.  Let’s see how I do.

November 20th, 10:29am: “Australian Families Offering Hospitality to Indian Students http://tinyurl.com/yllaa67”

Oh, no!  But the Indian students will expect spicy foods and tasting what they perceive to be “bland”, it causes an argument!  Australia and India become mortal enemies!  The Hindus put out a bounty on Paul Hogan and no one in Sidney can get tech support anymore!

November 23rd, 8:27am: “Thousands of New Species Found in Deep Sea http://bit.ly/08X7zLE”

Unfortunately, they’re all variations on that fish that swims up your penis hole.

November 23rd, 8:27am: “Chevy Plug-In Hybrid Revealed http://bit.ly/0879qlm”

Chevy Plug-In Hybrid is people!  It’s people!

November 23rd, 10:29am: “Swimmers, Poets Among 2010 Rhodes Scholars http://bit.ly/08fHRuH”

But are either smart enough to know that swimming and poetry pay almost nothing as an occupation?!

November 23rd, 10:30am: “Goldman Sachs to Take Out Thanksgiving Trash http://bit.ly/5qsUoh”

And they only charge the American tax payer $400 ca-jillion dollars to do it.

November 23rd, 10:30am: “Kids Wish Network Helps Boy Travel Back in Time http://bit.ly/6Hd2IN”

Where he is immediately devoured by raptors.

November 23rd, 10:54am: “Galileo’s Missing Fingers and Tooth Found http://bit.ly/6WLpw6”

Oh, a lot good it does him now.  Part of the reason the pope threw him in jail was because he went to wave, but without his other fingers it looked like he flipped off the pope.

November 23rd, 10:54am: “Salvation Army Celebrates 125th Anniversary at Ipswich Citadel http://bit.ly/6bmrgP”

The ringing of two thousand Santa bells deafened all who attended.

November 23rd, 1:55pm: “Engineer Wins Top Prize in Space Glove Contest http://bit.ly/4Lm6bt”

Unfortunately, the severed hand of an evil astronaut took control of the glove and started strangling the maintenance crew repairing the Mir.

November 23rd, 4:55pm:  “Filling a Gap in Pakistan’s Education System http://bit.ly/4UH8Sa”

Sadly, none of the students at the Pakistan school could afford khaki pants or moderately priced puffer vests.

November 23rd, 6:55pm: “Healthy Ice Cream? Scientists Set Out to Create It http://bit.ly/5POqcy”

Okay, there’s nothing bad about this at all.

12 hours ago: “Finding the Silver Lining in the Recession http://bit.ly/8QTqAN“

Yeah, jobs for repo men are up, up, up!

12 hours ago: “Soup Kitchen Chef Raises the Standard of Giving http://bit.ly/72R2nH”

Oh, great.  Now they will be a line for the soup line.

12 hours ago: “This guy is a hero! He is making beautiful, artful homes from recycled materials for low-income families. http://bit.ly/6RpiDZ”

But do you really want to live in a house that smells like old soda cans?

11 hours ago: “Deer Hunters Help Feed the Hungry http://bit.ly/91KeTe”

Bambi!  Oh, God!  Bambi!

11 hours ago: “McDonald’s Rolling Out Green Logo in Europe http://bit.ly/5ITDG4”

Isn’t their food already made of recycled meat?

11 hours ago: “Real Alice in Wonderland Book to Fetch $150K http://bit.ly/8rD29D”

The sad part: The real Cheshire Cat pelt only fetched $400.

Okay, let’s rate the Happy News Headlines.  I give it a 2 for Style, a 10 for Mustness and a 4 for Insanity.  This is an overall score of 5.3.  Not bad.  Worth a follow, especially if you’re feeling down.  And if you’ve got a suggestion for TIF, email us here.   See you next time on Twitter in Focus!