This was a comedy column I tried to sell to a couple of magazines. I came close a few times, but it never seemed to catch on. I thought it was funny.
In the darkest pit of Hell he toils…
In bungalow made of flame.
His pitch meetings are never-ending,
Only the Devil knows his name.
He is:
Satan’s Scriptwriter!
Hello from Hell everyone. Yes, Hell. That place that’s sort of like Los Angeles, except with fewer meter maids. Once again, I’ve unearthed one of the forbidden screenplays, so awful, so vile, it might just be #2 at the box office next Labor Day. Avert your eyes lest ye go screaming into the night. And always remember, this movie could be just one phone call away….
The Last Batman Standing
CAST:
George Clooney Batman/Bill Wayne
Bruce Willis Batman/Jonathan Wayne
Val Kilmer Batman/Bruce Wayne, Jr.
Micheal Keaton Batman/Bruce Wayne, Sr.
Arnold Swartzenagger Mr. Freeze/Yohan Freize
Uma Thurman Poison Ivy/Pamela Isley
Alicia Silverstone Batgirl
Christopher Walken Mr. Creepy
Kim Coles Honey Childs
THE PITCH:
A star-studded, action-packed, battle-to-the-death, with a heart, to determine who is the REAL Batman. Opening shows previously established Bruce Wayne, Sr. (Keaton in make up, age 55) is actually the first of several Batmen, sworn to serve and protect Gotham City. Senior Wayne is killed while foiling a robbery attempt at a Warner Brothers Store (product placement tie-in), shot and killed before he was able to move in an all-too-stiff costume. Bruce Wayne, Jr. (Kilmer) arrives seconds too late to see is father gunned down by the beautiful, but dangerous Pamela Isley (Thurman), who must steal money to finance her scientific research and the compulsive body building habits of her business partner/lover, Yohan Freize (Swartzenagger).
Flash forward a few years, now Wayne Jr. (Kilmer) is Batman. The events in the third movie have already happened. By this time, Robin has died tragically of a drug overdose (strong anti-drug message for parents groups) and has been replaced by Batgirl (Silverstone). Alfred is now retired and has been replaced by an earthy, wise-cracking maid, Honey Childs (Coles), who keeps the duo “streetwise”(ethnic appeal). Christopher Walken reprises his role from the second movie (he somehow “survived the explosion”), except now he calls himself “Mr. Creepy” and is a horribly scarred, hunchback with a vulnerable side, who is bent upon revenge.
After being captured by Mr. Creepy’s men they are rescued by cousins, Jonathan (Willis) and Bill Wayne (Clooney), also self-styled Batmen in slightly different costumes (toy tie-in). Jonathan is a hard drinkin’, hard lovin’, borderline psychotic Batman, who wields two chrome-plated Colt .45’s with lethal expertise (sort of a blue collar Batman). Bill is his unsure sidekick, wrestling with the issues and responsibilities of their actions, while keeping their amazing gadgets together (geek appeal/toy tie-ins).
At first, the group is at odds with each other, competing with each other to fight crime. Rivalry between Bruce, Jr. and Jonathan are strong, but there is a sexual tension between Batgirl and Bill. But their fighting threatens to destroy them when Isley and Freeze return to Gotham after acquiring superpowers from their strange experiments. Honey urges the group to reconcile and fight the villains but then is taken hostage while shopping , ironically, at the same Warner Brothers Store during another robbery. Bill and Batgirl consummate their relationship in the backseat of the Batmobile, then get to work on saving Honey. Bruce, Jr. confronts Jonathan in the Batcave.
INT. BATCAVE-NIGHT
BATGIRL and BATMAN (BILL) are examining the files on YOHAN FREIZE and PAMELA ISLEY using the Bat Computer (IBM product? Possible product placement).
BILL/BATMAN
(excited)
I’ve got it! Freeze and Isley were experimenting
with some kind of mutagene!
BATGIRL
Wow, you figured all that out just on your computer?
BILL/BATMAN
(admitting)
Well, that and some stuff I got off the internet. If we
reverse the polarity on their—
ENTER JONATHAN ON HIS HARLEY. His costume is in a shambles and he is drunk. He tosses aside an empty JD bottle and stumbles off his bike.
BILL/BATMAN
(worried, surprised)
Jonathan…
JONATHAN/BATMAN
I told you not to come here!
BATGIRL
(disappointed)
You’re drunk again.
JONATHAN/BATMAN
Of course I’m drunk! That’s what a man does, baby.
But he (gestures to Bill) wouldn’t know that, would
you, punk?!
BILL/BATMAN
(gathering his courage)
I-I’m not afraid of you anymore, Jonathan.
Jonathan gives a forced laughed. ENTER BRUCE, JR./BATMAN from upstairs. The room falls silent to a hush.
BRUCE, JR./BATMAN
(grim)
What are you doing in my cave? You were told to get out.
JONATHAN/BATMAN
You want us to leave? (unhooks gunbelt and drops it.) Make me.
BILL/BATMAN
Bill, Bruce, we don’t have ti—
BRUCE, JR./BATMAN
We settle this now one way (pulls out Bat-switchblade) or another.
Spectacular fight scene between the two Batmen, Ends with fatal, but accidental stabbing of Bruce, Jr. Jonathan has an epiphany and vows to make right what he’s done. Climatic battle with Poison Ivy and Dr. Freeze takes place in their headquarters, a giant props factory. Jonathan sacrifices himself to save the others, passing the torch on his deathbed to Bill as the one true Batman. (possible opening for 5th sequel)
Satan’s Scriptwriter is transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo, Copyright 1997
