If your birthday is this week: Your roommate will erase all your porn on your laptop. Sadly, this leaves you with nothing other than Windows and links to a website with tips on how to heal severely chafed genitals.

Aries: The battle between you and your roommates about who will empty the trash finally ends. Your apartment is condemned.

Taurus: You’ll remember your favorite stunt from Jackass II this week. The doctors will say this is a good sign when you open your eyes in the ER.

Gemini: Your trip to the San Diego Comic Con will be touted as a complete success. However, you will be questioned about your acquisition of Steve Reeves’ skeleton.

Lemini: Somehow, you’ll get herpes at a barbecue, but the potato salad will be the best you’ve ever had.

Cancer: The KFC Colonel will rise from the dead and whisper the 11 herbs and spices to you. You’ll make millions if you can stop him from eating your brain afterward.

Leo: The stars say, getting high with a chainsaw juggler is dangerous. Guys like that always have shitty weed.

Virgo: THIS SONG will be in your head all week.

Libra: This week, that guy in the dining hall that’s always checking you out finally talks to you. Turns out, you’ve had gum in your hair for months.

Scorpio: The stars say, there is such a thing as too charismatic. Your intervention ends in an orgy.

Sagittarius: You build a sex robot with sentient intelligence. Unfortunately, it also has tastes and won’t fuck you.

Capricorn: Get out of the house! Get out of the house! For God fucking sake! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Aquarius: You get fired this week for taking your comedy to the next level. Photocopying your ass is funny, photocopying your shit is only funny to you and it leaves the copier unusable.

Pisces: Face those demons, Pisces! The embarrassment you feel getting naked in front of your girlfriend will no longer be a problem if you do. After you pass out drunk, you friends duct tape you to a flagpole in the middle of campus without your pants.