If your birthday is this week: You’ll realize your dream of meeting the cast of Glee. Unfortunately, you make such a bad impression they beat the crap out of you.

Aries: The stars say, you’ll decide to clean your laptop while your high. This not only breaks your Mac, but also breaks your dishwasher.

Taurus: Your roommate is not who he says he is. No one can “make” you win the lottery after having anal sex with you.

Gemini: The good news is, you’re not crazy. Your roommate has been using your toothbrush. The bad news is, she’s using it to do a little cleaning “downstairs”.

Lemini: Your mom will visit this week. She’ll get along so great with one of your friends, she won’t need a hotel room.

Cancer: Cancer, your house sitter will leave most of your belongings sticky. Maybe you should hide your porn better.

Leo: The Big Lebowski will appear in your grilled cheese sandwich, making you the envy of Cohen brother geeks everywhere.

Virgo: The stars say, wash your car or someone will write “Wash me, Dumbass” on the hood.

Libra: This week, you will be eating a hot dog when a man, in a hot dog costume, walks up and screams, “Nooooooo!”

Scorpio: Your plan to use orgies to spread world peace backfires. It turns out, a lot of foreigners are very, very hairy, which causes a lot of confusion when you go to touch somebody’s junk.

Sagittarius: This week, a financial windfall brings mixed results. Someone smashes you in the face with a roll of quarters.

Capricorn: Oh, man! You totally shit your pants! Hahahaha! Awesome! I hope it gets Youtubed!

Aquarius: A Capricorn totally wrecks your couch.

Pisces: Your trip down south gets very bizarre. Remember, a tip off to a bad hotel is when you notice the locks are on the outside of the room.