Dec29

Twitter in Focus: Lizz Winstead

by tonyd on December 29, 2010 at 12:35 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to another edition of Twitter in Focus where media comes to die!  This week’s contestant is Lizz Winstead, co-creator of the Daily Show.  She’s got an amazing track record of funny, let’s see if her tweets match up.

13 hours ago:  “I have lost 40 followers in the past 2 days. Between Breakfast at Tiffany’s and Breakfast with Assange, I am an alienation machine!”

Yeah, I tend to piss off people too.  Maybe I shouldn’t slap ’em around so much.  Who am I kidding?  I love slapping people!

13 hours ago:  “Wish many of those dogs #Vick destroyed could have gotten a second chance.”

I know!  Most of his fight never lasted past the first round.  A total rip off.

11 hours ago:  “Because of evolution, my dogs can’t tweet abt animal abuse. I resent tht cause I do, ppl infer Im ignoring human abuse or care less abt it.”

If my dog would tweet, it would probably just keep posting links to various meats she wants to eat.  Very non-subtle tweets.  I would probably have to de-list her and then that would make letting her out each time extremely awkward.

7 hours ago:  “Going to a tech runthru at Parkway Theater in #MPLS for my New Years Eve Shows! Hope I see ya there! #MN http://bit.ly/cO25sW”

Man, that sounds like an awesome show.  Wish I could go, but I’m in NJ where it just feels like Minneapolis right now.

6 hours ago:  “There is all kinds of guilt attached to being pissed at an elderly asshole.”

Unless it’s Madonna.  Total exception.

6 hours ago:  “I just put my over thinking cap on.”

Wha–?  Okay, here’s some of your stand up.

41 minutes ago: “Pajama Jeans? Why not just dye your legs navy and never shower again.”

Waaaaay ahead you.

39 minutes ago: “I feel like now they just invent products whose sole purpose is to become an SNL sketch”

That’s who’s responsible? Dammit, we need to do what we can to stop the next Chris Kattan.

34 minutes ago: “Vagbreez: The alternative to hygene. #WeHaveStoppedTrying”

I think there’s a song parody in that somewhere.

27 minutes ago: “Human Gravy Wipes. The all purpose human fluid sopper upper. #WeHaveStoppedTrying”

You mean these? Yeah. Definitely.

All right, let’s rate Lizz’s tweets. On Insanity, well, she’s very sane, so that’ hurts her score a bit. Then again, she has the kind of “fighting City Hall” ‘tude I admire, so 6. For Style, she’s pretty Stylish, that’s an 8. And Mustness, wow, definitely a 10. She’s relentless. That’s an overall score of 8. Definitely one to follow, especially if you’re a Daily Show fan. And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

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Dec27

Ask Señor Cactus!

by tonyd on December 27, 2010 at 12:01 am


translated by Mr. Shit
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Whacking It in Washington,

Great Señor Cactus,

My boyfriend is great.  He’s attentive, kind and doesn’t pressure me for sex.  But he masturbates almost constantly.  I mean, it’s ridiculous sometimes.  He’ll just come by my room and if I can’t have sex with him right then, he’ll just say, “I’m going to rub one out in the bathroom.”  He once had sex with me, went into the bathroom to get rid of the condom and I walk in on him a few minutes later wanking it to a Cosmo.  Is this normal?

Sincerely,

Briana, 19, American U

Dear Wanker Girl

Cactus say, dis is perfectly normal for a college age man in his sexual prime.  Cactus say, when he was in his prime, he couldn’t stop pollenatin’ everything with chlorophyll!  If you got some time, lay back and enjoy da ride!  Much like current episodes of American Idol, it’s all downhill from here.  Remember dat when yer 40 and yer as horny has a rhino in heat!

Avenging in Atlanta

Dear Señor Cactus,

My roommate figured out my password and has been reading my email.  To get revenge, I created a fake email that’s similar to the one his girlfriend has and I’ve been pretending to correspond back and forth with her.  I’ve made mention of the several times we’ve had sex, especially anal sex, which my roommate has never experienced.  This has been going on for about two weeks, in which time, he’s become despondent, has been drinking heavily and missing classes.  Now his grades are slipping and he’s about to be kicked out of college.  Have I gone too far?

Barry, 20, CAU

Dear Captain Awesome

Cactus say, too far?  Not if you want a single!

High in New Haven

Cactus dude:

What is the perfect food to eat when you are high?

Signed,
Some Dude, 420 Forever

Dear Bong Brother

Cactus eat dirt, so Mistah Shit field dis one.  Da best ting you can eat is anything with crispy bacon on it.  There is nothing dat bacon can’t make better!  Even Doritos!  Even bacon!

Table Dancer in Tahoe

Dear Señor Cactus,

I’m dating a stripper, but I don’t think I can handle it anymore.  She is constantly being hit on by guys whenever we go out and she’s really overtly sexual.  It’s great being with her, but I can’t take the thought of her doing another guy.  How can I learn to trust her or should I break it off?

Donavan, 20, Sierra Nevada College

Dear Lucky Dumbass

Cactus say, dating a stripper is every man’s dream.  Yer problem is, having a relationship with a stripper is every man’s nightmare.  Eliminate the relationship!  Just consider her an incredibly sexy friend with benefits!  Problem solved!

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Dec26

Your Fratoscope: December 26, 2010

by tonyd on December 26, 2010 at 3:22 am

If your birthday is this week:  Your family will stop making you feel guilty over the holidays right around the time your girlfriend starts nagging you.  At least you’ll have continuity with your shitty mood.

Aries:  Your old high school buddy will ask to trade Christmas gifts with you.  Don’t do it.  He’s Amish and his ipod is just a wooden block that looks like an ipod.

Taurus:  Your virtual farm goes out of business because the virtual bank wants your virtual land.  This depresses you.  Maybe it’s time to log off of Facebook and talk to an actual person.

Gemini:  You will break the record for eating the most sugar cookies in one sitting and contracting diabetes.  The Guinness Book of World Records guy tells you to call him if they take your foot before Monday.

Lemini:  Santa stopped at your house, but he also used your bathroom and didn’t flush.  Merry Christmas!

Cancer:  Your boss had a vision of three ghosts the night before.  He threw a big party and gave you a generous raise.  Unfortunately, he’s had time to sober up so he’s returned to being a cheap prick.

Leo:  Your roommate stops by over the holidays.  When you come back to the bathroom, you find a note under the tree where some of your presents used to sit.  It says, “Hey dude, had to borrow this.  See you after break!”

Virgo:  That chick you banged last year on Christmas Break found Jesus since last you met.  Turns out, she’s always wanted to do a three-way with you an a Hispanic guy.

Libra:  The stars say, you can stop drinking now.  Everyone went home yesterday.

Scorpio:  Your attempt to return your gift backfires when the clerk at the adult bookstore reveals that you have been regifted a used dildo.

Sagittarius:  Your attempt at cliff diving ends badly when Cliff suddenly moves out from under you.

Capricorn:  The stars say, you should sell all your Christmas gifts and give the money to charity, but the stars say a lot of things.  Fuck ’em.  You got an ipad!

Aquarius:  Your roommate gives you a homemade gift.  Unfortunately, it’s a DVD of a shot for shot remake of “The Other Guys” starring him in all the parts.

Pisces:  The person you had sex with during the office party will avoid you all week.  It’s your boss, so feel free to go home whenever you want.

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Dec23

Last Signing of 2010!

by tonyd on December 23, 2010 at 7:23 pm

Hey Bros!

Yours truly, Tony D, will be signing at the All Things Fun Midnight Madness sale, tonight, December 23rd from 11pm to 1am!  It’s madness, I tell you!  Madness!  ATF has everything 30% off!  And I’ll be signing with five other local creators!  So if you’re in the South Jersey area, stop on by!

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